TOP TEN ALTERATIONS IN THE SPECIAL EDITION “STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI” DVD

(I went back to 2004 just to rent a copy from my local video store. It’s a one-night rental, which means I only have five years and a day to watch it.)

10. The role of Lando Calrissian reprised with Tommy Lee Jones taking over for Billy Dee Williams.

9. New scene added with Boba Fett rapping, “Mah name is Bo-ba! I’m cooler than Yo-da!”

8. All speeder bikes now gas-electric hybrids.

7. Now Luke tells the Emperor, “I am a Jedi, like my father before me, fer shizzle!”

6. Fully-restored X-rated sex scene featuring Chewbacca and Ewok queen.

5. Mark Hamill’s auto accident scars now digitally-enhanced.

4. In bonus epilogue, Princess Leia writes best-selling tell-all biography about life as a famous daughter, which is adapted into hit movie starring Meryl Streep.

3. Han Solo and C3PO finally acknowledge their repressed sexual attraction.

2. Final fate of Sarumann the White revealed.

1. The evil emperor turns out to be Dick Cheney.