ON THE WAY TO TUESDAY NIGHT GO CLUB, I STOPPED BY DISC-O-RAMA, WHERE I’VE NEVER FOUND A GOOD DEAL, THOUGH PERHAPS I NEVER LOOKED. I found one today, anyway. Anyone out there ever hear of a band called Velocity Girl? They only released two albums; an eponymous one, and “Gilded Stars and Zealous Hearts.” Both came out during the mid-to-late 90’s. Neither was a big hit, but they had videos on “120 Minutes.” Upbeat pop rock. Not sure if either album would be worth paying full price for (probably not), but since Disc-O-Rama was selling “Gilded Stars…” for only $5, I decided, what the hey. I can buy food with the next welfare check.

So I went to what was supposed to be the Go Club meeting place: Bobcat Lounge. Only, in place of Bobcat Lounge, there was a wall. Not a very professional-looking wall, but since I couldn’t knock it down, it clearly served its purpose.

All the metal tables and chairs which used to be in Bobcat Lounge were left in a small cavity beside the empty information booth. I thought to myself, optimistically, “Hey, maybe people can still hang out in this tiny cavity. Let me overturn one of these tables, slide up a chair, and pretend like everything’s normal.” And I did. About five minutes go by, and someone appears in the info booth behind the glass. I didn’t look up from what I was doing. However, I could HEAR them.

“Yeah. Yeah. (Laughs.) Damn. Are you sure? (Laughs.) HEY! HEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT TABLE?!!!”

I choose to ignore them. After all, I’m trying to read the want ads here.

“HELLO?! You can’t be sittin’ in here!”

Now, the funny thing is, the door to the information booth is on the inside of the library, while this dinky little room is on the outside. So for a while, I just sit there, seemingly absorbed in thought, ignoring this screaming library helper. Was she really going to take the long walk around the check-out desk to deal with me?

“NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SIT IN HERE! YOU HEAR ME?!”

By now, this had gotten irritating, and I couldn’t read the want ads with this library worker yelling at me. So I looked up from my paper, and I put on my best “genuinely surprised” face when I saw her.

“Hi!”

“SIR, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE THE TABLES AND CHAIRS STACKED UP AGAINST THE WALL OVER THERE.”

I glanced over at the stacked metal tables and chairs and reacted like it was the first time I’d noticed them. Then—and I’m probably going to Hell for it—I looked the library worker square in the eyes and told her, “This table and chair were like this when I got here.” Hey, prove that they weren’t!

So I found out from her that the Bobcat Lounge is being converted into office space. Hence the wall. Another lounge may be built someday, but not anytime soon. However, for only $25, I can get a whopping 6 visits to the library over the next year. What a bargain! I’ve only paid them exorbitant tuition for several years in the past! Remember the NYU motto, kids: “We’ve never met a stone we couldn’t squeeze blood out of.”


GO! STOP! GO!

I played a game of Go against someone who was way better than me. I admit it, I was in over my head. My opponent was clearly irritated that I was a novice, and thus, not much of a challenge. Hey pal, next time we’ll compete in something I have a clear advantage in, like making self-deprecating remarks!

In spite of getting trounced, I was my usual diplomatic self. I even put forth a decent rejoinder, after my opponent drew attention to my flawed strategy of “building a wall, but having nothing behind it.” (Hey! I’m from NYU! We're all about building walls! Haven't you heard?) My reply was, “I’ve heard many of the same things said about North Korea.”

This got a laugh from the table. However, while on the train home I realized what I SHOULD have said was, “So, what you’re saying is I’ve built North Korea?” Because then, I could followed that up with,

“You may have won this game, pal, but my side’s still got the nukes!”

That would have been perfect. And I could have followed THAT up with,

“Someday this wall will come down, and all the stones on the board will be the same color. Whatever color my side wants!” Too political? Maybe.

Am I the only one who does this? You know, obsess over witty things I should have said, but didn’t? I remember a certain episode of Sci-Fi club a year ago. The whole gang is sitting around the old room on the third floor. I overhear Erin, N., and Rick discussing either Star Wars or straws. Someone says “Straw Wars!” I turn around and say, “I believe that was the Sam Peckinpah version of the movie!” Get it? “Straw Dogs!” It was a Peckinpah film!

Anyway, big laugh. But had I been working harder, I would have followed that up with, “But most critics agree that the sequel, ‘Bring Me the Head of Luke Skywalker,’ was the better film!” Ah, wasted opportunity.

Still, I wish SOMEONE with a sense of humor had been at that family dinner a few months back, when I was talking to that cute step-cousin who eventually asked me to a Christian rock concert. See, we’re talking, and my uncle walks over and asks my step-cousin what she’s studying in college. My step-cousin replies that she’s studying Accounting. My uncle is impressed, as the endeavor of studying any dry academic subject always impresses him. So he asks my cuz how she enjoys it.

My step-cousin sort of shrugs, gives an unenthusiastic, “Ehh. It’s okay.” Now, I think Accounting is a very rigorous curriculum, and I think she deserves positive reinforcement and encouragement. So I say, “Good for you, S____! Who says there’s no accounting for good taste?!”

The woman of my dreams would have laughed at that bit of dry wit. At the very least, she wouldn’t have thrown wine in my face. Okay, that last part didn’t happen. S____ didn’t throw wine in my face. But she didn’t laugh, either.