ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TURNING INTO ANIMALS!

So I’m in the office this morning taking care of the more routine part of my job – the Page 3’s and Events Calendars for all eight papers – when my editor tosses me The Daily News and says, “Hey, Phil. Check it out. There was a coyote loose in Manhattan last night.”

Considering that I saw elephants running across 34^th St. on Monday night/Tuesday morning, the revelation of a wild lupine turning Central Park into a temporary sanctuary hardly seemed surprising. Across the river, scavenging animals have run roughshod across Williamsburg for the past year, only here they’re called “real estate developers” (Ha hah, I joke).

But then I saw the actual article and found out that the coyote has a name. And that name is... That’s right, it’s the same name as someone I know, someone who also happens to stalk about Manhattan and scavenges, albeit for second-hand books.

So I’m wondering if lycanthropy is real, and if I could be one degree separated from it, ‘cause what a scoop that would be! However, then my editor mentioned that there could be free cookies at the community board meeting tonight, and I immediately forgot about changlings and imagined free cookies instead.

And yet, several hours later I was on my way to said community board meeting when I decided to drop into McDonalds, since I knew I wouldn't be eating again until about ten. Lo and behold, what promotional gimmick did I see across yon aluminum countertop than… this!

It’s the name of someone else I know! Who, apparently, has also found a way to transmogrify into an animal (Or animal-like thing, because after all it's green, plush, and a beanie baby)! Coincidence? Yeah, probably. But what if it isn't?! I can’t get over the possibility that my friends could be turning into animals all around me. All around! I’ll probably be up all night thinking about this strange turn of events and its implications regarding other people I know, not to mention humanity in general.

What form will the folks I know take on next? K. might argue that I myself transmogrified into a jackass as recently as the elephant march, but think about the toll on humanity for a second, honey! The toll! Toll house! Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies! Cookies!

What was I talking about?