Good morning, all. Today, August 9th, 2002, marks the launch of my first-ever blog, LIVE! NUDE! GIRLS! For those of you expecting actual photos of live nude girls, you will likely be very disappointed (But hopefully, not violently angry). Don’t expect to find any material of that nature here. I won’t be posting any, and if you choose to submit any obscene material of your own, don’t expect me to post it (Although I will look at it myself, and if I enjoy it, I will send you a personalized thank you note). I only chose the title LIVE! NUDE! GIRLS! because it sounded flashy. Hey, I’m trying to attract as much interest as I can. I mean, I could have given it a more generic name like “Phil’s Blog.” Whoa, that’s a winner. I don’t know. It just sounds funny. Plus, if you spell it backwards, it becomes “Golbslihp,” which sounds like something out of a sci-fi/fantasy novel.

Elf warrior: Let us hurry! We must reach the orc village of Golb’s Lip by nightfall!

Other Elf warrior: Golb’s Lip? Where’s that?

First Elf warrior: Slightly south of Golb’s Nose and slightly north of Golb’s Chin.

Other Elf warrior: Who the hell is Golb, anyway? And how did he get lips that big?

First Elf warrior: I don’t know. But I can only imagine how awful his cold sores must be.

Other Elf warrior: Say, that’s not even a map! You’ve been reading the cover of a Cosmo magazine!

First Elf warrior: So that’s why we didn’t see the words “10 Days to Firmer Thighs” anywhere in the southeastern region!

(The two warriors ride on, only to be devoured by the fearsome UPC Code of the realm.)

Thanks for bearing with me. I’m supposed to be attending a little shindig tonight, a housewarming party for one of the persons who helped me set up this literary travesty of a web page. Unfortunately, I woke up with a cold, so I don’t think I’ll make it. Guess I have plenty of time to write some more!

This runny nose of mine reminds me of the flu I caught back in the Spring of 2001. Back then, when you had a flu, you went to see this feller called a “doctor.” He would put take this metal device, about the size and shape of a silver dollar, only a bit larger, then he’d put it against your chest and listen through a pair of connecting earphones. He called this device a “stethoscope.” He’d put the end of the “stethoscope” against your “chest,” then he’d tell you to “breathe.” Then the doc would write out a “prescription,” which you’d take to the “pharmacy.” The “pharmacy” would tell you that they didn’t accept your “insurance.” That would cause you to have a “conniption,” which would kill you instantly, thus relieving you of your need for medicine.

So anyway, I had a godawful flu, and my doctor wasn’t going to be in until after a long weekend. Rather than go to the emergency room, which I should have done, I decided to just spend the 2-3 days suffering through my affliction. To anyone out there who’s considering going a weekend with a temperature well over 100 degrees, let me tell you, you get to experience some serious weirdness if you can survive. I spent half the weekend groaning pathetically in my sick bed, and the other half dreaming I was FLEET PEDTRACK, son of nobility on a faraway desert planet.

Rather than be a content little landowner’s child, I joined a resistance movement to overthrow our society’s brutal caste system, replacing it with an order wherein man could freely choose his/her own destiny. We accomplished this by forcing anyone we could find into joining our army.

Us: Noble peasant whom we have just met, how would you like to join the cause for universal freedom?

Noble peasant: No, thank you.

Us: Too bad! If you don’t join us, we’ll kill you!

Ah, those were good times. While the fever eventually broke, it took me a while to realize that the dream world was not reality, and that my exiled Brooklyn existence was not some nightmare I could routinely wake from. That was something of a bummer. But hey, you can’t have everything in life. So I’m going to spend the day lounging about, drinking plenty of liquids, and occassionally checking my blog. Let me know if you want to visit; I’ll send you a map. Just remember to turn right at the UPC symbol, and make your way gradually up to the “Cosmo” banner.


IF YOU HAVE SOME ILLNESS-RELATED EXPERIENCES YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE, SUBMIT THEM TO LIVE! NUDE! GIRLS!