So has anyone else seen the trailer for the upcoming remake of "Dawn of the Dead?" Not the 30-second spots on the TV, I'm talking about the cinematic trailer. I found it to be both witty and intense, and something I never want to see ever again. It was, however, a very effective trailer, something the producers should be plenty pleased with.

But I'm not here to talk about the trailer. I think there's a much more important issue at stake here, and that issue is: Why zombies are so damn freaky. Now, don't confuse me for some shrinking violet. I've been a shrinking violet only once in my life, and that was when I accidentally zapped myself with that matter-reducing ray while enrolled at NYU.

Seriously, though, I was very squeamish towards horror movies when I was a little kid. It didn't help that I had siblings who were very much into horror movies, especially the 80's slasher films, where much of the bloodletting was done in the suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs, and somehow, playing outside at night, right after watching "Halloween, Part Four Times the Eviscerating!" wasn't particularly appealing to me. Nevertheless, I would tag along on our various sojourns into the big, dark, eerily quiet backyard, where every rustle in the bushes or the trees sounded awfully similar to a crazy, knife-wielding psycho with William Shatner's face preparing to leap out and stab me.

Now of course, as I got older, my fear of horror films gradually subsided. It helped that I started getting interested in the filmmaking process, and so "The Exorcist" became more of a scientific endeavor than a story to be taken seriously. And what's really funny is, now when I catch a horror film from my youth on broadcast TV, it seems so fake! Remember Chucky the killer doll from the "Child's Play" movies? I saw the first one again a few weeks ago, and I couldn't believe how tongue-in-cheek, unintentionally funny it is! And it just goes on and on, with the doll continuously coming back to life. Imagine James Cameron directing a movie about a killer doll, with a budget of only a thousand dollars! Chris Sarandon did a fine job as the hero cop, however. If I ever have to stand up to a killer doll the way he did, I can only hope to match his level of intensity and seriousness.

But the point is--and I'm sure this applies to everyone else as much as it does me--as I've gotten older, horror flicks don't seem so scary anymore. There are a number of possibilities for why this is. For one thing, real life is much scarier. If I were to show the "Nightmare on Elm Street" guy my student loan bill and say to him, "How would you like to pay this EVERY MONTH?!" he would get so scared he'd probably high-tail it back down to the boiler room and light himself on fire again.

Another possibility is that horror movies aren't that good anymore. Why couldn't Fox Searchlight let "28 Days Later" stand on its own? It was a pretty effective horror movie, despite the fact that Sandra Bullock didn't reprise her character. I don't know if "28 Days Later" is necessarily terrifying, but it didn't help that the trailer made it clear that this movie was directed by Danny Boyle, of "Trainspotting" and "The Beach" fame. No matter how intense Boyle's new film got, I kept looking for little signature moments from the director. I was actually disappointed that the film never turned into a video game.

Speaking of movies that turn into video games, or vice versa, there was Paul W. S. Anderson's "Resident Evil." It was certainly louder than "The Exorcist," though that isn't the sign of a superior movie. Was this supposed to be a horror film? It had zombies in it, but I don't remember them too well. I remember Milla Jovovich fighting a monster with a huge tongue, and knowing that this was a Paul W. S. Anderson joint, I pumped both fists into the air and yelled "Mortal Kombat!" Then I laughed until my cousin--we were trying to watch the video--politely told me to shut the fuck up.

And yet, though neither "28 Days Later" nor "Resident Kombat" made me want to lock myself in my closet until my mommy found me, a good zombie movie, even the HINT of a good zombie movie, can still freak me out. Why is that? What is it about the zombie that I find more unnerving that, say, vampires or werewolves? The last time I saw an ad for a vampire flick, I just kept thinking, "Look! Long teeth!" With werewolves it was "Look! Big doggie!" With mummies, my initial reaction was, "Hey, didn't that bald guy play the Phantom?" (I was mistaken about that, but the point is, that's what I thought.)

But make no mistake. Zombies still leave me unsettled. I don't know if it's because, in theory, a zombie is a mindless eating machine which cannot be bargained with (Nor will it deliver pithy lines before killing you, as a vampire might.) Perhaps it's because the undead was once a living person, who may have known, or even loved, that which it now hunts. Imagine your own mother rising up from the grave to kill you. For many of you readers, this wouldn't be different from what your mom does to you right now, while she's still alive. But there's probably a measurable qualitative difference between nagging you to death, and trying to bite your skin off.

Or maybe it's because zombies always travel in packs. Large packs comprised of many green-colored, decomposing hands. I mean, who would be scared of a single zombie? But the idea of being killed by a mob, whether it be zombies, bats, schoolchildren, combines all the terrifying aspects of claustrophobia and all the terrifying aspects of death itself.

In closing, am I the only one who is still freaked out by zombies, and plans to stay away from "Dawn of the Dead?" Granted, the most effective way for me to conquer my fear of zombies is to face down this movie, so I can belittle it afterward for its script, acting, or special effects deficiencies. But that is not to going to happen, at least not while I am cowering in my closet. Please let my mom know where she can find me. Wait, make sure she isn't a zombie first, then tell her.