THE MORNING WAS BRIGHT, SUNNY, AND HOT WHEN WE SET OUT FOR “THE SWAP SHOPPE.” For those who have never heard of “The Swap Shoppe,” it’s one of the largest outdoor flea markets in the country. Why visit a giant outdoor flea market—the equivalent of a yard sale in an empty football field—in such oppressive outdoor weather? Well, why not? I mean, it’s not like there’s anyplace else you can get knock-off Nike shoes, knock-off Nokia phones, and knock-off Rayban sunglasses all under one (figurative) roof. Anyway, it was my cousin’s idea, and she’s into shopping at The Salvation Army, 99-Cent Stores, those kinds of places.

It was actually kind of fun. I had a bottle of water on me, and an open space under scorching 94-degree sun is nothing compared to 98-degrees in New York City. I don’t think I sweated a drop, which I can’t say for most of the other people walking around. My cousin seemed equally unfazed by the heat (she spends summers in NYC all the time), but made the mistake of wearing jeans along with a sun dress. After less than an hour browsing the tents of the Indian bazaar-style marketplace, she had to take off her jeans and walk around with them folded in her arm. Vendors kept stopping us to ask whether she had picked them up at their booths. Of course, we were able to easily prove that they hadn’t been shoplifted by showing them the quality stitching, and the fact that the name on the label wasn’t misspelled.

I probably would have enjoyed “The Swap Shoppe” more if the supposedly-discounted DVD places hadn’t been closed. Or if there had been a circus that day. I stood around the ring for a half-hour before someone told me there wasn’t a show that day. The ringmaster, clowns, and animals perform six days every week, but they take Tuesdays off to rest and to test all their lights and sound equipment.

So I spent a half-hour watching the ringmaster standing alone in the middle of the ring, as he channeled his voice through the anticipating crowd (which was composed of only me.) “Come see the mighty elephants!” “And now, the tattooed lady!” “Squirt the Fun-Loving Clown and his Tiny Clown Car—WHICH HOLDS FOURTEEN OTHER CLOWNS!” And I kept looking around and around like a dope for the elephants, the lion-tamers, the pinheads, and the imported trapeze act. None of which ever showed up, because they all had the day off!

Then the roof caved in. Literally. Well, almost. It took only two minutes for the perfect early morning sky—crystal blue as far as the eye could see—to be overrun by big gray clouds. Huge, dark clouds. It was like the scene of flying saucers in “Independence Day.” From out of the clouds angry streams of rain came down. Raging rivers of rain. Giant, overflowing gallon drums of rain, echoing thunder inside them.

The rain fell and fell and fell and fell. The tents over the merchants’ stores sagged under the weight of water. Huge puddles formed in the sagging concrete underfoot. My cousin and I made for a nearby shelter, and we waited with other people for an hour, until the rain finally died down.

When the rain finally ceased, we found ourselves on a concrete island surrounded by water about two inches high. I didn’t mind it so much, but I could see that my cousin and the girls trapped with us wore much nicer shoes. I ended up like Angel Clare in Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles, carrying women on my back across the giant puddles. It was kinda fun, but I didn’t find any of the girls very attractive. Anyway, most of them looked like high schoolers, and statutory rape isn’t one of my hobbies.

Before my cousin and I finally drove home (It rained and rained and rained even more on the highway), I stopped by some souvenir stores to look for snowglobes with alligators eating ninjas, or coconuts made out of chocolate. I didn’t find the former, but I think I know where to get the latter. If any of you loyal readers happen to want something, let me know what it is and I will make the minimal effort to procure it. Like Squirt the Fun-Loving Clown’s miniscule automobile. Turns out circus security takes Tuesdays off, too.