THERE WAS A QUOTE IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING FROM FRANCIS COPPOLA REGARDING BRANDO’S DEATH. Coppola said that, “Marlon would hate the idea of people chiming in to give their opinions about his death.” Very well. Instead of further chiming, we’ll move on to a new game I’m introducing called

COUNTING MINUTES WITH SADDAM!

As everyone knows, the new Iraqi government has put the former dictator on trial. You’d think this would be a humbling experience for the former Middle Eastern strongman, but instead of whimpering before his judges, Hussein continues to claim that he is president of Iraq. Also, he refuses to sign off on the minutes of his trial.

Perhaps Saddam suspects that he will be put to slow, agonizing death, no matter how much he tries to placate his judges. So why kowtow? You know, if I were in the former president’s shoes, I would try to broker a deal wherein they save face while I save skin. Here’s how it would work:

For every time I, Saddam Hussein, sign off on the minutes of the trial, I cross off a possible method of execution by my enemies. So let’s say I sign off on the last half-hour of the trial. Now I get to cross off “Crushed by heavy stones” from the list of ways of being put to death.

Everybody would win! This trial will probably be a long one, requiring much signing off on Hussein’s part. If the former dictator gets to determine some of the ways he DOESN’T get fed to the worms, he could end up choosing between painless lethal injection and process of old age. A moral victory for him!

Hey look, another two minutes went by. In exchange for signing off on those, Hussein gets to cross off “Smothered by Marlon Brando’s casket.”