SO, I TURN ON WLIB THIS MORNING, AND APPARENTLY, ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGAR, THE “GOVERNATOR” HIMSELF, REFERRED TO THE LIBERAL LAWMAKERS OF CALIFORNIA AS “GIRLIE MEN.”

Schwarzennegar, as many of you probably know, ran for governor on a Republican ticket, and is widely considered a rising star in the GOP (traditional conservatives.)

As a liberal, I am offended by the Schwarz’ comment. Offended right down to the tips of my little red slippers. Liberal = Girlie Man? Like hell! There have been plenty of tough guy liberals who’ve pulled up their proverbial tents, and dared to ride West towards the frontier of our country’s vast political landscape.

Apparently, the Schwarz has never heard of a Mr. Al Franken. Former writer of a little show called “Saturday Night Live.” Wrote a little something called Bill O’Reilly is a Lying Liar…, a very insightful book that I plan to read someday. Al Franken is also famous for hosting a drive time radio show on “Air America,” WLIB. Finally, he had the cojones to challenge a certain tough-talking conservative commentator--who called all liberals “sissies,” in print--to a street fight.

I don’t remember who that tough-talking conservative commentator was. It could have been that Tucker Carlson guy, I’m not 100% sure. But the point is, that Carlson guy pussied out of the fight, proving once and for all that while conservatives have the guts to hurl insults from behind the safety of a typewriter, they shit themselves when faced with a 50-year old man with a bad back.

Al Franken's challenge was an act of real swaggering bravery. It would have made John Wayne proud. I mean, we all know how closely tied the GOP is with the NRA. There was every chance that, come high noon, Tucker Carlson would have showed up with a couple AK-47’s and Charlton Heston. But as Adlai Stevenson once said, the other fella blinked first, and now liberals everywhere, including myself, have found our balls. Not to mention the strength to challenge conservative bullies, wherever and whenever they rear their immaculately groomed eyebrows.

And so, not likely to take the Governator’s insult to liberals everywhere lying down, and inspired by Mr. Al Franken’s shining example, I officially challenge the Governator to a fight. With Al Franken.

Okay, how about John Kerry? Martin Sheen?
* * *

This morning’s Daily News reports that the city of New York has paid out at least $500,000 to victims of the Puerto Rican Day gang attacks of 2000. The biggest single payout, $150,000, went to an 18-year old British woman who was stripped, and repeatedly violated, by horrible Puerto Rican bastards for more than 30 minutes.

Over $500,000 paid out to 21 female victims. According to my calculator, that comes out to about $23,809 per grope. Now, I will grant you, I’ve probably paid more for less. But let’s not overlook what’s important here: Where did the city get its $500,000 to pay these victims? Where will it get the additional funds needed to settle lawsuits stemming from the Puerto Rican Day attacks that are still in litigation?

I don’t know if the city of New York has a fund set aside for incidental lawsuits that pop up every year. I would hope they do, however, because otherwise, the money will probably have to come from honest tax-payers like you and me.

What an injustice that would be! This isn’t some gaudy strip bar; I’m not picking up the tab for some other asshole’s grope. The violence occurred at the Puerto Rican Day parade. It was perpetrated by Puerto Ricans (As video footage showed.) So Puerto Ricans should pay! If I throw a house party, and a guest goes into the kitchen, slips on some melted ice, and then gets groped by some dirty Puerto Rican bastards, aren’t I liable?

But even if the Puerto Rican community is forced to pay the $500,000 in damages stemming from their people’s rampage, here’s the problem: The Puerto Rican population of New York isn’t exactly known for being affluent. If every Puerto Rican were forced to contribute to a special “grope tax,” levied solely on Puerto Ricans, they would have less money to buy alcohol, cigarettes, and wife-beater T-shirts, and those industries might suffer significant, albeit short-term, losses.

And what about the vendors who sell most of these items in Bronx neighborhoods where Puerto Ricans are concentrated? Most of these bodegas are owned by Arabs, Koreans, and Dominicans--not Puerto Ricans. If Puerto Ricans, strapped from having to pay the “grope tax,” don’t have the money to buy their usual goods from the bodegas, these little ma-and-pa stores could go out of business. It’s not right that non-Puerto Ricans have to suffer because of the sick behavior of a bastard few Puerto Ricans.

Now, I spent all day racking my brain, trying to come up with a better solution. But it wasn’t until I read the names of the victims who settled their lawsuits that I realized: None of them have Puerto Rican-sounding names! And that’s how I came up with what I consider a brilliant solution. And a very fair solution, if I may say so myself.

Since Puerto Ricans got a day where they could rampage, recklessly destroy property, and grope and sexually abuse non-Puerto Rican women, the rest of us--non-Puerto Ricans--should get a day of payback. To wit, on this particular day, WE get to trash Puerto Rican businesses, and molest Puerto Rican women all we want. Now, personally, I’ve only met a few Puerto Rican women, and under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t leap at the chance to grope any of them. But I will admit that, if there weren’t any threat of arrest, or worse, confusion that I was looking for a personal relationship, then I would probably grope away happily. While it wouldn’t match the thrill of feeling up European-tourist women, who are more educated and cultured--like touching God in a special place--it beats nothing.

But will we get to wear those wife-beater T-shirts? I hope so.
* * *

Alright. One more sorry attempt at humor, and I’m done for today.

Dick Cheney seems to be everywhere lately, lauding the Bush administration’s accomplishments, sticking it to Kerry and Edwards. He’s being hailed as the, “secret weapon with the base” by senior members of the administration.

Now, I don’t want to tell Bush and his people how to do their jobs, but after the fiasco that is Iraq, shouldn’t hyping secret weapons be the last thing they want to do?*
 
 
(*Truth be told, it was a senior SPOKESMAN for Bush-Cheney who made the “secret weapon” comment. I don’t think that’s the same as a senior administration member, but wouldn’t that have been funny?)