FIRST BLOG POST OF THE NEW YEAR

Let’s get this out of the way as quickly as possible.

WHERE I’VE BEEN: If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve probably noticed that my 1999 adventures ended abruptly after November, 1999. What, no more two-fisted time travel tales?

Actually, I haven’t been free to post over the last four weeks, because I got stuck in a parallel dimension, very similar to our own. Here’s how it happened: Rupert Zwevoid, alien being who bestowed upon me the secret of time travel, also bestowed upon me the secret of interdimensional travel. The information was in a little book called, Secrets of Tranversing Both Time and Space, the Zwevoid Way. It was an early Christmas present. Dog-eared, but a first edition!

Apparently, I can attach blinkers to my time capsule/ cast-iron bathtub, the "Mr. Peabody." Then, as long as I remember to signal first, I can pass laterally from one dimension to the next, the way an automobile would change lanes. Going from my dimension to the alternate one was easy enough. However, it turns out that it was an interdimensional "No Passing Lane." A traffic Zwevoid pulled me over, and when I couldn’t produce a satisfactory registration, he impounded my timepod and suspended my cross-dimensional travel rights for a month.

So for the last four weeks, I was stranded on an alternate Earth. Good thing the alternate version of myself was also living in New York City! I surprised myself at home, explained the situation, and was fairly surprised at how understanding I turned out to be. In exchange for helping my doppelganger with his holiday shopping, I got to sleep in his bathtub and do a little sightseeing. Oh man, the alternate universe Earth is one disturbing place!

Get this: In the other universe, George W. Bush, son of George Herbert Walker Bush, has just won re-election (No, he didn’t die of a cocaine overdose. Instead, he narrowly won Florida in 2000!) Also, the U.S. has been at war with Iraq for the past year, for what seems like no better reason except the quest for cheap oil. Some say Iraq attacked our country, but there’s scant evidence of it. Thousands of American soldiers have died in the past year during the course of our occupation, and who knows how many more will give their lives before we’ve either siphoned Iraq’s oil reserves dry, or we leave? I’m not sure whether the parallel universe Americans support having their sons and daughters die for a sham war, but Bush won re-election despite widespread discontent toward his policies. Oh yeah, there was also a horrible tsunami that killed over 115,000 people in southeast Asia. Happened just a few days before I got the "Mr. Peabody" back and returned home. Even more unbelievable: Martin Scorcese is the frontrunner to win Oscar for Best Director next year. I know what you’re thinking, and I was definitely listening for the "Twilight Zone" theme song everywhere.

But something good did come out of getting stuck in a parallel dimension for the past month. I feel like I’ve become very good friends with someone, someone who also exists in my home dimension, though I never had the chance to get to know her over here. No, it just wasn’t meant to be over on this side of the transdimensional passing lane. She had her cadre of warriors and scholars to run with, and I only met her because of that unfortunate Dragon business.

Ah, the passage across the Lake of Fire… K. and H. ferrying me across, coercing me into helping them purchase the magic sword, the Dragonslayer, in Bartertown… I still remember the strange electric shock of the Dragonslayer, binding itself to my hand… And who could forget K.’s ex-boyfriend, S., the most evil wizard in the land, who wanted the sword for himself…? Good times…

But who knows. It’s a brand new year, bringing with it fresh possibilities. And so…

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ‘WHEN BLOGS ATTACK!’