"ADVENTURES IN OVER-THE-COUNTER MEDICATIONS, PART III," or, "SHAMPOO U."

I just finished washing my hair. That shouldn’t be a big deal, except, as it turns out, I haven’t cleaned it in almost two months.

The unbelievable story: Sometime in January, I realized that the generic brand of shampoo I was using just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Maybe the cold weather played a factor, maybe it was the fact that my hair was getting long, but the bottom line: My scalp began developing a bad case of dandruff. I have long argued that I myself resemble a case of dandruff, in that I am persistent, yet flaky. Still, even I didn’t itch so much, or leave sore patches in my wake.

So I went to the local pharmacy and bought a bottle of "Head & Shoulders Dry Scalp." "Head & Shoulders" has been my brand ever since I was old enough to not need "Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tears" baby shampoo. Yeah, I was seventeen. I figured, I’m old enough to shave with a razor, so I’m probably ready to use a more grown-up shampoo.

Getting back to the story, I used the "Head & Shoulders Dry Scalp" roughly twice a week, for almost two months, hoping to cure my dandruff. While the problem didn’t get worse, no matter how much I lathered, rinsed, and repeated, my hair never seemed to get better, either. Now, during the last week/week-and-a-half, I was a little too busy to wash my hair at all. Although I didn’t have any large snowflakes to report, I did find, whilst occasionally perusing my head with my hands, more sore spots and pimples than usual. What the heck was going on in my scalp?

K., being wonderful, expressed her own concern. While I scratched my head over the matter, she suggested that I buy a medicated shampoo, such as T-Gel. Taking her advice, I walked to the pharmacy early this morning, went to the shampoo aisle, and looked for the strongest dandruff medication I could find. T-Gel seemed most appealing. However, as I examined the bottle of T-Gel, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, the wide variety of "Head & Shoulders" brand shampoos. Especially eye-catching was the "H & S Dry Scalp," which, for some strange reason, looked a lot different from the bottle in my bathroom at home.

For one thing, the bottle I was looking at had its cap on the top. The one at home, meanwhile, resembled a toothpaste bottle with a wider base. You could stand it up, and the cap would become the bottom. But no way was it anything like the bottle in the store right in front of me, which was sort of a rectangular cylinder. The radical design difference perplexed me.

Then I remembered: "Head & Shoulders" shampoo ALWAYS came in a rectangular cylinder. So why was the one at home different? Did I purchase a smaller size container? Scouring the shelves, I found an identical bottle to the one I’d been using for two months. It said "Head & Shoulders," it said "Dry Scalp." But then I noticed the word following "Dry Scalp"—"Conditioner."

I had been washing my hair with conditioner for two months.

Suddenly, it all made sense: The fact that, no matter how much elbow grease I exerted, or how much "shampoo" I applied to my head, I was never able to create anything remotely resembling a lather. The fact that, while my scalp itched and burned and stung, it was always awfully maleable, and easy to comb. Finally, it occurred to me that the phrase "Use after shampoo," which I had noticed in small green letters on the back of the bottle, might not be a typo, as I had originally suspected. After all, if you’re going to apply conditioner, it seems like highly proper strategy to apply it after shampoo.

It’s too bad the pharmacy didn’t sell over-the-counter moron relief medication, too, or I would have bought some. Oh wait, moron relief was available! Because I bought the bottle of "Head & Shoulders Dry Scalp" SHAMPOO, used it on my head, and now my scalp feels cool, smooth, and clean. I forgot how good a fresh scalp could feel. Maybe now some of those ugly welts will finally go away.