THE SHITHEAD EXPOSER'S BURDEN

The following is a piece of supposed “satire” written by an actual New York City Parks Department employee, David Langlieb, for his Haverford College Alumni magazine. I want to point out that these are not my opinions. While I am reprinting them (I couldn’t post a link, since Haverford College apparently removed them from the Internet), that is for purely instructional purposes. In my opinion, this is ineffective satire, composed by a man who had no idea what he was doing. It caused quite a stir at the last Community Board meeting I covered, and while I am not sure Mr. Langlieb should lose his job over it, I do think a public apology is in order, so long as Mr. Langlieb doesn’t write it himself.

Here is the offensive essay, entitled “The Black Squirrel’s Burden,” with pointed criticisms to follow:

THE BLACK SQUIRREL’S BURDEN

By David Langlieb ‘05

What separates a Haverford education from a Yale education or a University of Phoenix education? You guessed it: A commitment to social and civic responsibility. This is why after graduating from Haverford in 2005 I decided to move to a neighborhood where I knew I could make a difference. That neighborhood was Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

Greenpoint is a tightly knit, working class, semi-urban community of first- and second-generation Polish immigrants. It's the kind of place where the old ladies shop at Gus's Fruit Stand instead of Wal-Mart, and parents take their kids to the park on Sunday nights to play softball and drink lemonade. Communities like Greenpoint are a dying breed in America, and thank God for that. Try ordering a Venti Caramel Macchiato at the Franklin Street coffee shop and you'll see what I mean. While the community has several problems, most of them come back to the high density of Polish people infesting its rowhouses. Mocking Poles for being stupid is perhaps the last form of politically correct prejudice, as well as the most accurate. The other day I asked a local Polak shopkeeper if he'd heard the one about the Polish guy who tried to fill up his gas tank by driving the car in reverse. The shopkeeper didn't respond because he'd accidentally put his pants on his head that morning and the waistband was cutting off his hearing.

I'm kidding, of course, but Greenpoint's problems are no laughing matter, and they won't be solved by teaching the locals how to wear pants. The Greenpoint business district, for example, is even uglier than the morons who work there. Shoddy hand-made signage pollutes the storefront windows, and some of the signs aren't even in English. A friendly corporate logo or two would do wonders for the place. The good news is that it looks like they're opening a Blimpie on Calyer Street, where Ula's Deli used to reside. I'm not sure what they're doing with Ula, but maybe if she promises to clean her ears once in awhile they'll let her work the cash register.

Amidst these modest improvements are a few old-school New York charms. I'll admit that I was kind of intrigued by the bearded alcoholic homeless man who lives outside the subway station. That was cute for about five minutes. But day after day with the nonsensical screaming and the pointing... get over yourself, buddy.

So why do I live in Greenpoint? Because if I didn't, then it wouldn't get any better. Oh sure, I could move to SoHo or the Upper East Side like some of my fellow Haverford graduates who care only about themselves. But those places have already been saved and they don't need my help. If my Haverford education has taught me anything, it's that social change doesn't happen overnight. You must, if necessary, be willing to endure months of living without a Lord & Taylor in the immediate area.

Not to toot my own horn, but I've done wonders for the community. My non-ethnic whiteness, above average hygiene, and dependable income have already attracted new investments to Greenpoint. Private developers are within months of breaking ground on a massive high-rise condominium complex on the Greenpoint waterfront. There'll be a rooftop pool, a fitness center, and gorgeous views of the Manhattan skyline from across the East River. It's not quite perfect -- a small percentage of the apartments will go to low-income families but nine tenths of a loaf is better than none.

One thing I do worry about is that Greenpoint will gentrify incorrectly. This is what's happening in adjacent Williamsburg, where the Hasidic Jews are being displaced by hipsters. Sure, their parents give them enough money to keep the neighborhood looking decent, but the new population is almost as annoying as the old one. And yes, they do wear suits and ties sometimes, but only to be ironic. No thank you. I'd hate to see that happen to Greenpoint, because it has so much potential. It's a place I'd like to raise my kids: Within a stone's throw of Manhattan, amidst lawyers and investment bankers, and as shut off from civil society as humanly possible. I dream of a Greenpoint where Banana Republic is open all night, where groceries are ordered over the Internet, and where the churches are converted to mixed-use parking facilities. Mine is a Greenpoint of the future, sensitive to the desires of its residents who so desperately need a racquet club and driving range. Or who will, anyway, after the vermin are gone.

So join me, my fellow Greenpointians. That is, if you're literate enough to understand what I've written.

David Langlieb ’05 is a project manager for the New York City Parks Department.

Okay, so the awesome K. and I spent some time trying to figure out exactly what went wrong with Mr. Langlieb’s attempt at “satire.” Among the problems we dissected:

-None of the jokes about Poles work, even as “satire.” Why? Because satire usually contains a kernel of truth, whereas the attributes Langlieb pokes fun at – that Poles accidentally put their pants on their heads, don’t clean their ears, or are just ugly morons – don’t even fall within the realm of human behavior. Am I wrong? Are there famous Polack jokes that I’m missing?

-The middle section is just sloppily written. As K. pointed out, Langlieb starts off ragging on Greenpoint. Then, suddenly, he goes off on this “bearded alcoholic homeless man.” Since when did unshaven derelict drunks become a particular problem of Greenpoint’s? I’ve seen winos in all parts of the city, including SoHo and the Upper East Side – areas which Langlieb claims have already been saved by gentrification.

And while we’re on the subject of “saving,” Langlieb might have saved his own hide had he hired an editor. In the first paragraph, he states that what sets a Haverford education apart from any other is the “commitment to social and civic responsibility” that was apparently imbued upon him. But only a few short paragraphs later, he claims that his “fellow Haverford graduates” only care about themselves. This is just sloppy writing.

-Finally, it is my opinion that this only works as satire if Mr. Langlieb also pokes fun at himself and his idea of an ideal Greenpoint. But his description of such a place – “where Banana Republic is open all night, where groceries are ordered over the Internet, and where the churches are converted to mixed-use parking facilities” – hardly seems extreme or ridiculous enough. Instead, it seems awfully plausible. Greenpoint could very well become, “sensitive to the desires of its residents who so desperately need a racquet club and driving range,” as Langlieb puts it, and sooner than we think. Simply put, his opening goes too far, his closing doesn’t go far enough. The impression I end up with is someone who could very well believe that paradise requires the extermination of Poles.

I certainly hope Mr. Langlieb gets shunned at the water cooler over this.