Good afternoon, filthy capitalist American swine. Having read this article in which you support sending Afghani women to United States colleges, as a means of undermining our proud culture, I feel I must reply. My name is Usama bin Laden. You have probably heard of me, and no doubt tremble at the sound of my name. I was the mastermind behind the terrorist attacks on New York.

When I am not hiding in a dark, dank cave, like the cowardly terrorist that I am, I surf the net. Your blog post greatly offends me. It greatly offends Allah. Both Allah and I are deeply offended by how you dare show your facial features. Do you consider yourself an educated woman, American who does not conceal her face? Usama bin Laden considers himself an educated man. I attended the University of Pakistan, the finest college in the world. You fail to mention, either because of your ignorance to our ways and culture, or because of your natural hatred of Allah, that the University of Pakistan does indeed hold classes for women. You know nothing of the Arab world, ignorant American. You do not realize that our culture does value women greatly. Had Allah, in his infinite wisdom, decided NOT to create woman, then who would give birth to our children? And who would absorb all the beatings of the menfolk when the Western world makes them angry? Not children, surely. The boys grow up to be strong men. We could probably beat the little girls, but grown women and wives provide much bigger targets.

Allah forgive me for changing the subject. Usama bin Laden is a man of action, not words. He is a man of war, and full of the rage of the Arab world against the American and the Jew, who will not stop until he has discredited our system of education. Usama bin Laden declares jihad against your American colleges! To prove how much more superior the Arab colleges are, I show you the University of Pakistan Women's College Fall 2002 bulletin! (Truly, Allah blesses the men who made this bulletin. I expected there to be courses, but when the actual bulletin reached me, I said, "This is much more than we expected.")

UNIVERSITY OF PAKISTAN, WOMEN'S COLLEGE --(The only college approved by the Taliban.)

FALL 2002 BULLETIN:


Core courses available:

History of Arab women. M 8:30-9:45. (Instructor yet to be announced.)

Remedial Veil-Wearing. T 8:30-9:45. (Instructor yet to be announced.)

Changing the Roles of Arab Women. W 8:30-9:45. (Instructor yet to be executed.)


Prerequisites Available:

Intro to Psychology I. (Description: How to blame everything wrong on the United States and Israel.)

Intro to Sociology I. (Description: How to blame everything wrong on the United States and Israel.)

Intro to Macro Economics. (Description: How to blame everything wrong on the United States and Israel.)

Intro to Micro Economics. (Description: How to blame nothing that's wrong on the current regime.)


Electives Available:

Physical Education. (Description: A refreshing 70 minutes a day walking behind men on the beautiful outdoor track in eastern Pakistan. Advanced students are invited to walk to Israeli settlements, while Arab radicals concealing machine-guns use them as human shields.)


Advanced Electives:

Survey of Domestic Abuse. (Description: Teaching staff and students analyze the evolution of wife-beating since the 1700's. Most popular methods are performed during lab hours. Final exam: Each student is beaten for entire 2-hour exam block. Passing students receive complimentary second beating and references. Students who do not pass are given consolatory handshake.)

Survey of Film Acting. (Description: A review of famous Arab-American actors and their roles over the years. Special focus on the guy in the "Short Circuit" movies who had the weird accent, and the Iraqi woman who was shot in the head in "Three Kings." Midway through the course, students and teaching staff will dig up Alec Guiness' corpse and urinate on it.)

Survey on World Religions. (Description: A comprehensive survey on the idea of a supreme deity, theories on the afterlife, and how to use either as a quick reason to blow up an Israeli temple. Specific focus on the Old Testament and the Jewish Koran, specifically the most efficient means of burning them. Extra credit: Translating any part of the Book of Allah into an effective argument for destroying the United States and Israel. Example given below: "In the second chapter, fifth verse of the Book of Allah, the author begins his sentence with "The." Obviously, "The" can be translated to mean, 'The United States and Israel must be destroyed.' I would write more, professor, but I really must use both hands when strapping this bomb to my chest.")

END OF BULLETIN.

So tell me, infidel, why would Afghani women attend American universities when they can get this kind of education back home? I have not even brought up the free uniforms. Every student at the Women's College gets a free stifling-hot cloak and hood. Two new colors have been added. Now students can choose between Black, Obsidian, or Midnight. Also, the cafeteria now serves food. Finally, we have three new buses, converted from armored vans. Each can carry several hundred students, several hundred pounds of explosives, or a combination of the two. These buses make several daily runs through unsuspecting U.N. campsites (wink, wink). So all loyal Afghani women are invited to "register" today. While it's true that we male extremists could just as easily kill ourselves for our cause, Allah demands we try to use the women first. Besides, if we all blew up, who would be left to beat you...?