IF LIFE WERE FAIR, the U.N. would pretend to let Daniel Pearl’s kidnappers go. Then they’d catch them, beat them, and shoot them each in the leg.

If life were fair, the minute Lizzie Grubman gets out of the drunk farm, a Mercedes-Benz SUV backs over her.

If life were fair, it’d be baseball FANS going on strike. (Try to find scabs for those!)

If life were fair, Brooklyn P.A. Marietta Small would drop dead and there’d be no will.

When Anthony Perreta’s mother died, she left no will bequeathing her assets. Marietta Small and her network of cronies undervalued the property, then sucked it dry. Perreta asked why he only received $2,240 from an estate worth over $100,000. It was because his mother didn’t read the “Small” print. If life were fair, Marietta Small would spend a day in jail for every dollar she ripped off illegally.

If life were fair, nice guys wouldn’t always finish last.

If life were fair, Anna Nicole Smith would get cancer from her breast implants. Then we could tune-in to “The Anna Nicole Smith Show” every week to watch her waste away.

If life were fair, Martin Scorcese would already have two Oscars.

Speaking of awards, if life were fair, when the 2002 Razzies come out, worst female performace will go to Lizzie Grubman for her “sincere apology.”

If life were fair, professional athletes, and not panda bears, would be an endangered species.

If life were fair, concealing an illegal firearm would carry the same penalty as attempted murder.

Give your own examples of IF LIFE WERE FAIR. Post a response.