IF BEING VEGAN IS WRONG, I DON'T WANNA BE COOKED

If hard-core vegans are really dead-set against harming any of their fellow creatures, they should start by not starving their own children.

For those who didn't hear about it, the vegan parents who nearly starved their first child to death have reproduced again. Poor baby Ice--named after one of the few things her parents would feed her--has a sibling. Thankfully, the government has stepped in. Big Brother has told the Meatless Mama that if she wants custody of her kids, she has to change her ways. Word is that the poor, abused children actually went on a hunger strike to force social services to give them back to their mother. Unfortunately, not eating ended up working against them, since it only made them more homesick.

Now, I'm all for free expression. If a person decides that he/she does not want to consume animal flesh, it is strictly their business. However, how is refusing to breastfeed one of the tenets of veganism? I can almost buy the stupid honey explanation: "Oh, we're destroying the poor bees' houses every time we collect honey from them." But what's so immoral about milk? What, does it constitute abuse that a cow's nipples get squeezed and tweaked? Here in the city, thousands of women who commute to work on our crowded subways gets that done to them every day.

But I'm not here to demonize vegans. I can even partially understand the phenomenon of veganism. At one time in this country, a family enjoyed a thick, juicy steak every night of the week. By the 60's, they were enjoying thick, juicy heart failure just as regularly. So the youth of America, already addled by the oppressive atmosphere of dirty, lazy hippism, swung from one extreme to the other. They went from red meat every day to no kinda meat ever. And like a cancerous growth gone untreated, vegans have only gotten worse and worse as the decades progressed.

However, vegans have not grown more and more extreme on their own. Look at our food culture, America! Truly, we are meat-obsessed! Commercials for fast food joints that brag about how much dead cow is stuffed in each hamburger. How many close-ups of fried-chicken parts has KFC's media blitz given us? And while I know that eating an Armour hot dog will not make me a professional baseball player, I am now conditioned, thanks to the media, to accept sausage-casings full of cow knuckles to be an actual food staple! Upton Sinclair did nothing to discourage us!

As far as I can tell, there is only one way to reconcile fat meat-eating America to veganist meat-hugging America: WE MUST EAT THE VEGANS! Seriously, it would create a gustatory balance which this country has not seen in ages. Vegan flesh would satisfy our hunger for meat. And since vegans do nothing except eat vegetables and walk around carping at people who do eat meat, we know theirs would be good, lean meat. I am certain that once we are allowed to eat vegans, the percentage of heart disease would quickly decline. And vegans should definitely approve of this plan, since as long we are eating them, we won't be eating the poor cows and pigs!

So let's build some grassroots support for a vegan-eating bill! And the next time you see a vegan, tell him/her all about it. If you want to have some real fun, while you tell them about the social benefits of vegan-eating, open a small bottle of barbecue sauce and start pouring it onto their arm. Believe you me, the expression on their faces is priceless!