Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you I’m more of a home video kind of guy. Don’t get me wrong. I think movie theaters are cool. Most first-run flicks deserve the big screen treatment, and personally, I like to sit way down in front, where I can practically count the freckles on an actress’s neck. That’s much tougher to do on a 8” TV screen at home, trust me.

But going to see a movie at the local multiplex brings certain complications that I could do without. I went to see “Gosford Park” earlier in the year, and I had to stand in line for half-an-hour because “Blade 2” was opening. Then, after I bought my ticket and found a seat, I had to endure a seemingly endless parade of movie trailers, most of which I’d already seen a hundred times on television. Actually, I forgot—theaters have started utilizing the interval between movies to show commercials and music videos. There is now such a thing as the “AMC Music Network,” which is both a paradox and a sign of the apocalypse. Now I can’t even duck into a movie theater to avoid mainstream music—it’s in there, too! And naturally, the “Gosford Park” crowd is really interested in hearing LeAnn Rimes rap about her “Mac Daddy.”

Of course, there are perks to going to the movie theater. For example… … …did I mention the freckle-thing already? Sh*t. Hmm.

Well, if you don’t own a DVD player, the movie theater is the only real way to see all the latest flicks in WWIIDDEESSCCRREENN. Not counting the bootleg versions where the shadow of someone’s head occasionally obscures the picture. Oh, and you can sometimes movie-hop. Which is what I did today! Whoo-hoo! I finally saw “Minority Report” and “Road to Perdition.” There weren’t any staffers around to check my stub, because both movies are several months old, and neither of them star Cedric the Entertainer. Bless the man who invented the stupid movie! The only thing the staffers safeguard are the populist crap! My tastes are just off-center enough that I can pass safely underneath theater security’s radar! Yay!