PHIL'S SITCOM-WORTHY MISADVENTURES CONTINUE!

There was a surprise bridal shower in the office yesterday. Naturally, May Badweather enthusiastically promoted the event; think e-mails with big, block letters and exclamation points. I hear she was also the host.

Since I didn't know the bride too well, I decided not to attend. Other members of the techpool, who did attend, were nice enough to steal me a big slice of cake. Thick chocolate cream and rich, cream cheese icing. I felt decidedly unwieldy after eating that slice, and more so after I stole a second one from the fridge.

Rather than drag ten newly-acquired pounds of sugary whipped cream onto the subway, I turned down 34th Street and took it upon myself to walk to the Virgin Megastore on 14th. The weather that afternoon was only mildly stifling. I stuck my head between my knees only every other street.

I found the Virgin Megastore to be ingesting and perspiring customers at about the same rate that I was perspiring, uh, perspiration. I went down a flight to the DVD store, then perused the various bargain bins. There was more cellophane-wrapped booty on display there than in Times Square during the 80's. Among the discounted items lay a copy of Brian DePalma's 1980 flick, "Dressed to Kill."

Having resolved to curb my spending, I was hesitant to spill the $10 plus tax. Yet here was a movie I had wanted to see for years, by one of my top 300 movie directors, and on sale! What a dilemna! How difficult to find old DePalma movies in video stores, even in Brooklyn. I knew that if I passed, then crossed paths with it again, only to find it selling for five to ten dollars more, I would positively kick myself. What the Hell, I said to myself. I bought the DVD.

So I brought my new copy of "Dressed to Kill" home. Then I went online, as I am wont to do when I arrive home from work every day. In the course of my daily half-hour or so of Internet travails, I logged onto e-Bay, just to see how an auction of "Gangs of New York" was proceeding. Then my personal e-Bay shopper informed me that it found a copy of "Dressed to Kill" on DVD--for only $1.00! Nothing approaching that level of cheapness had appeared before!

Now, I haven't unwrapped the DVD yet, so I am thinking of bidding on the e-Bay DVD, then returning the one I purchased, should I win. But the auction won't end for another week. It almost doesn't seem worth it, not to save five or six dollars.

I might do it anyway! But then I won't be able to enjoy the movie for at least another week! This is all the cake's fault! Clearly, if there is anything to be learned from these strange and stressful events, it's that marriage sucks. Don't get married, and if you do, please buy a lighter cake.