I had this beautiful, funny explanation written up for why I won't be attending Rutgers this fall. It was written from the first-person perspective of a Rutgers financial aid representative, and I made very witty light of how I tried to trick the university into charging me in-state tuition. Then I inadvertently nudged the tower with my foot, something I've never done before. The computer reset before I had the chance to save whatever I wrote to my word processing program.

I'm not going to try and rewrite whatever has been lost. Most people know the story by now and can do a much better job telling it than I. What is important, yet very strange, is that I actually feel... relief knowing I won't have to go to New Brunswick for grad school this fall.

Bottom line: I'm not good dealing with change. Moving from Miami to New York three-and-a-half years ago was difficult enough for me. It wasn't impossible, since the few friends I had in Miami had already up and moved away. But now I've got friends here in the Big Apple, and while I loathe the tackiness of saying it... I'd miss all of you. There, I said it.

But now I’m uneasy about staying behind. Bowne won’t need me back for a few months. Meanwhile, I don’t know if I still want to study library science. I’m sincerely worried about my future. All I’ve got to my name is a B.A. in English and a history of temp jobs. Oh yeah, I also still live with my relatives. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel so freaking old. I’m 24 years old—most of my friends are either the same age, older, or only a year or two younger. I’m not saying that those of you who fall into the first two categories are also old. I believe in the saying, “You’re only as old as you feel.” If you feel as sprightly as an eight-year old schoolgirl, that’s great. I, however, feel old. And I feel like I should have accomplished more with my life by now.

What happened to me? Only a year and three months ago, I graduated from college. I was full of hope and enthusiasm. Where did all that vigor go? I have to find my spark again, but I don’t know where to look.

In other news, I’ve heard great things about “The Princess Blade.”