As most of you know, Hamas founder and “spiritual adviser” Sheik Ahmed Yassin was killed early Monday morning by a missile strike by Israel. While many in the world stage have criticized Hamas for being a vicious terrorist organization, which feels no compunction over using small children as mules for bombs meant to murder Jews, Yassin was arguably doing the best work of his life prior to his abrupt death. Most recently, he appeared as Saruman the White, an evil wizard bent on destroying Middle Earth in the blockbuster “Lord of the Rings” movies. Yassin will be remembered for his intense physical presence, as well as his resonant voice, which seemingly knew no depths—Huh? Are you sure? But I mean, his picture looks just like him. Oh. Um, okay…

I’ve just received word that Saruman the White, the diabolical sorcerer from the popular “Lord of the Rings” movies, was actually portrayed by British actor Christopher Lee. He wasn’t played by the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin, as I had mistakenly indicated. In fact, I’ve also received word that Sheik Ahmed Yassin never appeared in any feature films, unlike Christopher Lee, who made a name for himself donning the black cape and fangs for “Dracula,” and will reprise his role as the evil Count Dookoo in next year’s highly-anticipated “Star Wars Episode III.”

So once again, Christopher Lee, and not the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin, appeared in the popular “Lord of the Rings” movies over the past three years. Christopher Lee is definitely still alive. The late Sheik Ahmed Yassin, meanwhile, could never quite attain the same level of success, either in the movies or on-stage. However, he is definitely dead. Our apologies to Christopher Lee’s family for any confusion our coverage may have caused. Sheik Ahmed Yassin is still dead.

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All joking aside, I have yet to read any evidence that the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin was anything more than a bloodsoaked murderer who hopefully sh*t himself before french-kissing that missile. I mean, is it just me, or does it seem that whenever Israel and Palestine reach the beginnings of some kind of accord, some preliminary step towards a peaceful resolution to their eternal war-waging, it’s a retarded Palestinian militant who ruins it? Are they really so used to fighting the Israelis that the very idea of ‘not fighting’ sails completely over their heads? “What, Israel doesn’t think we’re good enough to be enemies anymore? This 9-year old suicide bomber will show them!”

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not about placing blame squarely on the Palestinians, though they clearly deserve their fair share of it. Israel reminds me of those ultra-insecure, macho types who want to pick a fight with whoever looks at them funny. They’re so trigger-happy they make Ben Kingsley in “Ganghi” look like Ben Kingsley in “Sexy Beast.” Hey Israel, The Jew of Malta was a sucky play, and “Chariots of Fire” was probably a good movie, so let’s get back to the bargaining table with Palestine, because not everybody hates you, only the Middle East and all of Europe. And you, Palestinian militant! Please get over the fact that Ariel Sharon accidentally incinerated your autographed posters of Yassah Arafat when he shot that missile at your house two years ago. You’re a big boy now, and so is your little brother Fahim, who, for the last time, will NOT go on a commuter bus with plastique duct-taped to his testicles. So stop asking!

And for the love of God, can we get an accord signed sometime within the next hundred years, so we can bring some industry to this war-torn region? Maybe if young Palestinians had a choice between bombing Israeli civilians and stitching together Chinese underwear for a decent wage, they wouldn’t opt so readily to go kamikaze-Haji. Yeah, it won’t make Palestinians’ lives better overnight, but it’s more hope than Sheik Ammed Yassin ever offered them.