"ALIEN VS. PREDATOR, THE REVIEW;" OR, "I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MISS JOSS WHEDON."

* WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! *

I’m going to give this movie a complete review. That’s awfully generous of me, since I don’t think Paul W.S. Anderson gave me a complete movie. I saw it on a bargain matinee at a theatre in Brooklyn. The previews started at 1 p.m. sharp, and the end credits were still rolling when I left at 2:35. Does this mean "Alien Vs. Predator" was only 95 minutes long AT BEST? If so, wouldn’t that give it the shortest running time of any Alien or Predator movie?

The strange thing is, everything seemed to be going really well. We had the Xenomorph queen being revived; we had Predators landing in Antarctica, slaughtering anyone holding a weapon; face-huggers were sprouting from gelatin-covered eggs and planting their offspring into unwitting human hosts; stomachs were exploding as aforementioned offspring emerged.

We even had a pitched, hand-to-hand battle between an Alien and a Predator, which was clearly meant to please the fanboys. And am I the only one who was impressed that Anderson kept the last Predator faithful to its species’ nature? Only when Sonaa Lathan proved her worth by killing a Xenomorph was he willing to take her as a partner. And the weapons he made her out of an Alien’s head and tail—those were cool!

Then the movie went to complete and total hell. Sonaa is newly-armed, and it looks like she and the Predator are going to have to fight their way out of a booby-trapped temple, which is patrolled by several drones and an angry, giant Queen. But that never happens! Instead, there’s an intervening scene where they blow up a room full of face-hugger eggs, and that’s it! Next scene: Already out of the temple. As Call in "Alien Resurrection" said: What the fuck?!

Is it possible the theater skipped a reel? Maybe W.S. Anderson simply ran out of money? The filmmakers did a good job building the tension, and then instead of resolving it with some exciting Alien vs. Human + Predator action—which is what the audience was expecting, I’m sure—it’s as if Anderson threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it. I’m out of ideas. Let’s just cut to somebody running from an explosion."

The film certainly does cut to a scene of somebody running from an explosion. Actually, it’s more like a sequence. It is a long, boring sequence, that seems to go on and on interminably. Of course, even after the explosion ends, the movie doesn’t, because it’s connected to the Alien franchise, which always has extra thrills. It’s a tradition, going back to Ridley Scott’s "Alien," which was made twenty-five years ago.

Man, do I miss Ridley Scott. And James Cameron. And David Fincher, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Dan O’Bannon, David Giler, Walter Hill, and even Joss Whedon. I give the last credit for this: "Alien Resurrection" at least gave longtime fans something new. Ellen Ripley became a Xenomorph/human hybrid. This new movie, on the other hand, offers nothing but recycled bits of the familiar. We are still waiting for that visit to the Xenomorph’s home planet, we have been waiting since 1992, and we’ll be waiting until Ridley Scott finally gets the project together.

Was I expecting too much from "Alien Vs. Predator?" After all, it was made by the same writer/director behind "Mortal Kombat," "Event Horizon," and "Resident Evil." Anderson hasn’t exactly been lauded for his bold, visual style. Scott, Fincher, and Jeunet, on the other hand, were known for being strong visualists. When 20th Century Fox selected James Cameron to direct 1986’s "Aliens," he had just come off "The Terminator," and fans knew he could deliver a dark, tense, sci-fi action thriller.

What has W.S. Anderson mostly been known for? Movies based on video games—and not very good movies at that. I expect that Alien fans, after watching "A Vs. P," will immediately continue the ongoing debate (begun when Anderson first got the job) over which director should have been chosen instead. Couldn’t Renny Harlin have turned down the "Exorcist" sequel? Why couldn’t they get Gore Verbinski, Martin Campbell, or Tarsem ("The Cell")? Antoine Fuqua seems willing to do anything since "Training Day." Did they even make him an offer?

But that’s being too harsh on Anderson. While "A Vs. P" is probably the weakest Alien movie yet, it’s the best Predator sequel, and it’s easy to figure out why. For the first time in their species’ three Hollywood outings, Predators are vulnerable. That makes them interesting. A Xenomorph can eviscerate a Predator with its bare hands (or tail), can out-cat him with its reflexes, and burn him with its acid blood. In order for Predators to kill Xenomorphs, they have to rely on skill and savvy, not just brute strength. I’m not sure if Anderson manages to convince us that his Predators are the universe’s best badass hunters, but there are enough scenes of them showing off sword moves to make fans demand sequels.

And ultimately, that’s what I think will happen. Until Ridley Scott decides to commit himself to "Alien 6," and take an exploratory journey to where the universe’s deadliest killing machines were originally spawned, that franchise is dead. The only H.R. Giger creation to get a boost from this movie is "Predator," and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I would enjoy seeing future movies where the nemesis of Schwartz and Glover go to alien worlds and hunt deadly monsters. Or Jean-Jacques Annaud can direct them in a quest devoid of any dialogue. I have a plot idea already: The Predators can hunt for the reel of "A Vs. P" that I swear must have been missing.