CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

(SOUNDS AWFULLY SERIOUS, DON’T IT?)

I think it’s appalling the way the lawyer for Dawnette Knight—the woman accused of terrorizing Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones for over a year—has been behaving. Two days ago, his client retired to her jail cell, then attempted to kill herself by overdosing on sleeping pills. Now her lawyer, Richard Herman, has stated that, "…Catherine Zeta-Jones has driven Dawnette Knight to attempt suicide—and the real blood is on her hands."

Most likely, Richard Herman is playing the old "blame the victim" game. Could Zeta-Jones be the actual aggressor here, and Knight the victimized party? Stop snickering for a moment, and look at this case again through the other side of the proverbial glass:

CONSIDER: Catherine Zeta-Jones must get thousands of positive letters from adoring fans every day. By simply playing the percentages, we can predict that she must also get a few hundred pieces of hate mail every day. It’s certainly conceivable that more than one person resents Catherine Zeta-Jones enough to write her a hateful letter. How can Zeta-Jones, or Michael Douglas, or anybody, be certain that the letters Dawnette Knight has been accused of writing weren’t written by a different hater?

WHAT IF… Dawnette Knight did write a letter to either Michael Douglas or Catherine Zeta-Jones? What if the contents of that letter were actually benign, but somehow misconstrued as masking maliciousness? (After all, calling someone a "whore gold digger" might be a way of giving praise.) Douglas or Zeta-Jones freak out, have Dawnette Knight arrested, and in their haste, they WRONGFULLY ASSUME that she must be responsible for EVERY poisonous word that has been directed at them in the last year—including those negative reviews of "Intolerable Cruelty." Then they sully her good name in court. My God, can you blame her for wanting to die?

Riiiiight. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in contemptuously snorting at Richard Herman’s desperate defense strategy. As I said earlier, I find his recent game plan simply appalling. I mean, I’m sure we can all agree that he just isn’t being crazy enough. That’s right, like I used to say about Mars bars, "it could be nuttier." If I were Dawnette Knight, I would grab him by the lapel and scream,

"There’s two minutes left in the 4th quarter, man! We’re down six points. It’s time for you to bring the crazy!"

HOW I WOULD DO IT: Put Zeta-Jones back on the stand, and hammer away.

Me: Ms. Zeta-Jones, aren’t you a very good actress?

CZJ (Fluttering her lashes): Why, yes I am.

Me: Good enough to win an Oscar in 2003?

CZJ: Yes.

Me: Good enough to take the stand and convince us that you’re the victim, when in reality, YOU WROTE THOSE LETTERS AND MAILED THEM TO YOURSELF?!!!

CZJ: What? No!—I mean, yes! I mean—

Me: What’s the answer, Ms. Zeta-Jones? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!!!

CZJ (Flailing madly.): I’LL SLICE YOU UP LIKE MEAT ON A BONE!!! I’LL SLASH YOUR THROAT LIKE NICOLE SIMPSON!!!

Me: Whoa! Even I didn’t see that happening!

But we all know it won’t happen like that. More likely, there will actually be "justice" meted out, the "guilty" will be "punished," etc. However, even if Dawnette Knight goes to jail, the psychological scars can never fully be healed.

Many actors keep the public at arm’s length because of obsessed whackjobs like Dawnette Knight. But unlike the Marlon Brandos of their profession, the Douglas family has always seemed personable. Will that change? Has it already changed? The next time Michael Douglas or Catherine Zeta-Jones are in a shopping mall or supermarket, and an excited fan walks up, will either one retain the old off-the-cuff approachability, or will they erect an invisible barrier, wondering in their heads, "How dangerous is this stranger standing in front of me?"

Even more important, will I ever fully recover from the psychological scars of paying to see "Intolerable Cruelty," which was very disappointing? No, probably not. Not even if Dawnette Knight spends the rest of her life behind bars. For the remainder of my days, there will always be a part of me missing--about 100 minutes, plus fifteen for the previews. May God have mercy on your soul, Dawnette Knight.