THE CHRONICLES OF PHIL X

Time travel adventures begin here: 09/01/1999 - 09/30/1999
And continue here: 10/01/1999 - 10/31/1999
And are presented in Hi-Fi Stereo Surround Sound here: 11/01/1999 - 11/30/1999 (<--The latest adventures!)

A NEW BEGINNING.

Well, folks, looks like it's time for me to leave all of you. My life has become just too darn stagnant these last two years. Sure, all my pals are great, and I've managed to watch many wonderful Hong Kong movies in the interim. But my job is an absolute joke and I still sleep under my relatives' roof. The sameness of my current, day to day existence drives me to utter distraction at times. Oh Lord, the sameness... The sameness... What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. I'm leaving. I got permission to take undergraduate Speech Therapy classes at NYU's Steinhardt School of Education. Now, I know what you're going to say: "Phil X, you live in New York City right now. You did your undergraduate degree at NYU. What makes you say that you're going anywhere?"

I'll tell you what. I feel like I've wasted too much of my life already. Rather than spend the next few years working towards a Master's Degree, I'm going to travel back in time several years, do the prerequisite coursework, then travel back to the present day to actually apply for a Master's program. That way, I won't have wasted any time, except the time I've already wasted before! Get it? Personally, I'd rather do the Master's program in the past as well, but I wouldn't have received a Bachelor's Degree until May, 2002.

How far back am I planning to travel? After much careful thought, I settled, for numerous very good reasons, on exactly five years back, to the point of September 7th, 1999. I would travel back further, but my timepod, which I christened the "Mr. Peabody," is still in its prototypical stages. Extended movement across the timestream causes a great deal of stress to the ship's frame, and the last thing I want is to end up stranded in New York City during the David Dinkens era.

For more practical reasons, I settled on 1999 in order to avoid running into either myself, or relatives who might recognize me. As many of you know, I moved to New York City during the summer of 2000. Conventional time-travelling wisdom would suggest not time-travelling back during the same time frame, lest I run the risk of encountering my younger self. (This would cause my double mild confusion, along with major disappointment.) Several cousins of mine also lived in New York City briefly during 96-98, and believe me, they would be all-too-eager to tease me regarding the gold-painted wings welded to the sides of my timepod.

But I'm ranting now. Look, I already test-drove the "Mr. Peabody" over the weekend. I went back a few years to 2002, and nothing unfortunate happened. It runs fine. So off I go to the year 1999. I will continue to update this blog from there, so all anyone has to do is click on the appropriate link on the right side of this page. Will any of you see me again? While I would like to be entirely free of the constraints of the year 2004, I will sporadically travel back to the future in order to check my mail, tape James Spader's new TV show, and answer the comments left on my 2002-2004 blog posts. Also, I do plan to return to 2004 permanently. Not that anyone should notice that I had been missing, since I will return just a few minutes past the point I originally left.

So why am I explaining all this to you, seeing as how I plan to return just a few short moments after my point of departure? How can any of us predict what will happen in the course of time? Or rather, time travel? I might end up back in the Stone Age, devoured by cannibalistic cavemen. Or again, there's that whole David Dinkins New York thing.

So that's all! See you in the year 1999! Ta-ta!

BREAKFAST OF OUTRAGE:

I went to get breakfast at Ocean Palace, a dim sum joint on Avenue U that opened two years ago and has become very popular. They have some truly tasty-looking "don go," Cantonese for sponge cakes, but I’m more of a "bao," or bun person, and I occasionally sample the steam plate.

My favorite bao is pronounced "gai bao doi." It’s a white, steamed bun made of rice flour, filled with chicken and scallion. Some places use too much or too little scallion, but Ocean Palace gets it right, and the chicken actually tastes fresh.

Unfortunately, the chef neglected to make any "gai bao doi," so I opted for two plates of a steamed, flattened rice flour shell filled with ground pork and chopped water chestnut called "fun guo" (Westerners call them "dumplings."), and a plate of pan-fried noodle shells filled with pork and dried mushrooms called "siu mai." (Westerners call them "dumplings.")

I last bought dim sum two weeks ago, at that very location, and I could swear that items from the steam plate only cost me $1.00-$1.25 each. But today, the three plates combined added up to $4.50! Clearly, they raised the price by up to 50%. I almost told the girl behind the counter to put one of the "fun guo" back, but she had already gone to the trouble of taking each order out of its metal steam tray, and into a styrofoam take-out shell. Also, I was hungry.

Though I paid, for the entire walk back home, I grumbled to myself. "$4.50 for dim sum for one? That’s robbery!" Then I crossed Nostrand Ave., and this Chinese guy bolted past me carrying an armload of small boxes with the blue-and-red Duane Reade logo on them. I only caught a glimpse of his face, which was sweaty and scared-looking, and no wonder, since he was being chased by a uniformed cop and a Duane Reade employee.

"I stand corrected," I said aloud. "What I saw just now—that’s robbery!"

IN LIKE A LAMB, OUT LIKE… MONDAY MORNING?

Called my dad in Miami a few hours ago. He’s been getting some wind and a little rain, but none of the merciless destruction and water contamination he expected from Hurricane Frances. By the time the storm finally arrived in Florida, it was already down to a Class 3 Hurricane, possibly a Class 2. It’s still spilling buckets of rain, though, and Frances is expected to linger on top of Florida until Monday.

WE MUST SEE THIS MOVIE!

"Goodbye Dragon Inn," the latest from Tsai Ming-Liang, director of 2001’s terrific "What Time is it There?" Opening in New York on September 17th. The link is here: Film: Goodbye, Dragon Inn. Who’s goin’ with me?

HARK HARK! TSUI ANNOUNCES HIS NEW PROJECT!

The link to "The Seven Swords," the next film to be written/directed/produced by legendary filmmaker Tsui Hark, is here: SEVEN SWORDS press release and casting announcement

Not counting his less-than-successful attempt to inspire interest from Western audiences (2002’s "Black Mask 2"), "The Seven Swords" will be Hark’s first attempt to deliver a profound message since 2001’s "Legend of Zu." True, "Legend of Zu" was a hopelessly convoluted flick with some inexplicably poor special effects (Remember the skeleton army?). But I’ve watched it again recently, read an interesting Internet article defending it, and I’m convinced it really isn’t the abomination many "Crouching Tiger…" fans declared it to be.

WHY DO I THINK IT ISN’T AN ABOMINATION? Well, for one thing, in a recent interview, Mr. Hark said that "Legend of Zu" turned out exactly the way he wanted, except for the special effects. Yep, if he could do it over again, he would get BETTER special effects, and MORE of them. Tsui Hark really thinks "Legend of Zu" needed more expensive CGI graphics!

I couldn’t believe that was the only thing he would alter. The movie also suffered from a highly compressed, almost incomprehensible plot. There was enough story for two movies! Really cool CGI-generated weapons were introduced, then cast aside in favor of bigger, world-beater weapons, which were traded in for even more powerful weapons. And that was all in the first 45 minutes!

"Legend of Zu" was two hours of flying Asians aiming their fingers at blobs. Blobs are no fun! There were only two scenes where heroes fought villains in hand-to-hand combat, and they were awesome! Unfortunately, both took place in the first 30 minutes!

I’m still not convinced that "Legend of Zu" wasn’t a creatively-misguided fiasco, but certain sinocentric movie critics actually praised it. The most interesting review I read admitted that "…Zu" was pretty convoluted, but argued that this was Mr. Hark’s intent. After all, the movie was supposed to take place in the world of the Gods. If Mr. Hark had made a film with a comprehensible storyline, or a structure capable of synopsis, wouldn’t that imply that the realm of Immortals can be understood by us lowly mortals? What blasphemy that would have been!

And as for his characters engaging in a very small amount of hand-to-hand combat, well, they’re GODLIKE IMMORTALS! Surely King Sky can’t be expected to dispatch foes the same way Batman does.

Frankly, I disagree with the essayist’s opinion that "Legend of Zu" is actually a misunderstood work of genius. I still think it’s mediocre at best. However, I sincerely want to believe that Tsui Hark had artistic pretenses when he made that almost unwatchable flick, and hadn’t simply lost his mind. I want to believe that "The Seven Swords" will be as good as "Time and Tide" (2000), maybe as great as the first three "Once Upon a Time in China" movies. But I certainly hope he isn’t measuring success by the volume of special effects he can slip in, because that isn’t the Tsui Hark I know.

FRANCES, YOU BITCH!

If you live in Miami (or any part of Florida along the eastern coast), hurricanes are an accepted part of life. Each summer marks the beginning of hurricane season, and for the four/five months that follow the middle of July, there are always endless observations and predictions for every cyclonic blip that appears on the meterologists' computer screen.

The same questions are raised each time: When the wave of hot air meets the front of cold air, will the two form a tropical disturbance? If so, will this disturbance linger in the Atlantic long enough, and strengthen itself enough, to become a hurricane? If it does become a hurricane, what category is it likely to fall into, or will it just major in Psychology?

Back when I was a small lad in Miami, I prayed throughout the last two weeks of every August that Tropical Storm Amber, Bonnie, Cleo, or Dana, would quickly mature into a powerful hurricane, one that could blow the roof off my school, or at the very least, force a two week-long closing.

But except for my freshman year in high school, my prayers were never answered. Like some watery cocktease, Amber, Bonnie, Cleo, or Dana would spin and shake their stuff suggestively out in the margins off the Atlantic Coast, but after raising expectations to their boiling point, shove off, leaving those who had been watching them intently high and dry.

And now that I am not even living in Miami, here comes Hurricane Frances. A Category 4 hurricane--with a chance of Category 5 when it hits Miami!

That's right, when it hits Miami, not if. From all the online news reports I've gleamed, the worst case scenario is Hurricane Frances plows right through the southernmost tip of the state with the voracity of an old Chinese woman at a Sample Sale. Best case scenario: One of the storm's mighty limbs engulfs Miami. Damage in the billions is predicted by experts, and boy, do I hope those know-it-alls are wrong.

There's irony for you. I'm older now, and no longer the young John Boorman from "Hope and Glory," elated when a Nazi bomb destroys his school (His friend runs around yelling, "Thank you, Adolf!") I actually understand the catastrophic effect of major property damage, and people getting killed. Plus, my parents still live in Miami, and I don't want Frances to slam the house and leave them homeless. Nor do I want looters to trample through the carcass of my former room, and steal my stuff!

Finally, I don't even go to school there anymore, so why should other students get the reprieve I rarely got (They got one, like, two years ago, I think.) Turn away, Frances! Be like every other Frances I ever knew--a cocktease!

HERE'S A "WHEN BLOGS ATTACK RELOADED!" DEDICATED TO JAY, WHO IS CURRENTLY IN MED SCHOOL.

(The following mock-interview transcript was written sometime November 2002. It went over quite well, and complete strangers wrote in posing as diseases. Since I don’t know the identities of the participants, I didn’t include their questions, nor my responses, which is a shame. However, I have included the few questions which I myself wrote in, posing as a “caller.”)


POXLINE interview with Bubonic Plague transcript:

POX: In case you haven't been paying attention to the news recently, Bubonic Plague has been sighted in New York City. It’s their first visit to the Big Apple in over a hundred years, people! And guess who was the first to get an interview with them? That's right—POXLINE! Okay, Bubonic Plague. Welcome!

BUBONIC PLAGUE: It’s great to be here, Pox.

POX: Okay! Last year, Anthrax reappeared out of nowhere. Now it's you guys. Has New York become the hotspot for comeback diseases or what?

BUB PL: (Laughs) Maybe. No, the thing is, we never really went away. We never stopped working. We've just been on the road a lot.

POX: Where have you guys been touring?

BUB PL: We did some shows in the Balkans. We did Surat, India just a few years back. Fans can log onto http://www.ento.vt.edu/IHS/plague.html#bubonic for information on our recent tour.

POX: I'm sure they will. Man, I saw some pictures the other day of some masoleums from a few hundred years back. You guys could really pack the house!

BUB PL: Right, the Dark Ages tour.

POX: Has it been a while since you've done large venues like that? From what I've heard, it's been smaller outbreaks lately. Do you prefer the smaller venues?

BUB PL: There's no reason we couldn't still do large shows. I mean, I'm sure the fans would show up. But, uh, it's just, like, so much more difficult now than it was during the Dark Ages tour to get the venues. More complicated. Now you've got sanitation standards, garbage collection, regular bathing, that kind of thing. We did a big show in Surat, but, you know, the access is so much easier in less affluent countries sometimes.

POX: So tell me, guys. Why, after over a hundred years, did you decide to come back to New York City?

BUB PL: Well, after all the terrible shit that went down on 9/11, we just wanted to get out and show our support.

POX: You did a small show yesterday. How did that go over?

BUB PL: It was a small show. Completely unexpected. The audience was practically soiling itself. (Laughs.)

POX: And the way Bubonic Plague works, you do soil yourself. You expel blood and hemorrhage from within, right?

BUB PL: Yep.

POX: Sounds like an amazing experience. Okay guys, before I turn things over to the callers, I want to ask: What do you guys want to say to everyone out there who thinks Bubonic Plague is a has-been disease, that you aren't nearly as lethal as you once were?

BUB PL: Uh, well, just let us do our thing.

POX: Okay, then. Let’s turn things over to our first caller. This is Jasmina, and she’s calling from Surat, India. Hey Jasmina. You’re on Poxline.

CALLER: Hey! I caught you guys in Surat! You SO rock! I'm in New York now. Are you planning any more shows?

BUB PL: We haven't made any definite plans yet, but there's a lot of garbage in the streets lately. Not to mention rats in the subway tunnels. Keep your fingers crossed!

POX: Next up is Ash. He’s calling from California. Ash, you’re on Poxline.

CALLER: I caught Bubonic Plague in Italy. I was sick in bed for weeks! They rule!

BUB PL: Thanks, bro. We really digged Italy. Glad you're feeling better.

POX: I notice that a lot of callers aren't asking questions, so I'm going to interrupt with one. Bubonic Plague, you've received a lot of negative press to go with your success over the years. There are still parents out there who accuse you of killing 25% of the population of Europe during the 14th century. What do you have to say in reply?

BUB PL: You know, we've avoided discussing that issue for a long time. I guess we’ve gotten used to all the talk. As cynical as it sounds, Pox, we've noticed that it goes with being successful. If we hadn't been nearly as successful a disease during the 14th century, no one would be giving us flak over all the death that went on. But that's just how this industry works. Our stand has always been this: For years, parents accused Ozzy Osbourne of corrupting their youth. They blamed Marilyn Manson for the Columbine shootings. And they've always blamed us for the deaths of 25% of Europe during the 14th century. But hey, there was still another 75% of Europe to whom nothing bad happnened. And today, there are still millions of people who catch disease and turn out just fine. Instead of blaming plagues for everything, maybe families ought to do more communicating.

POX: I agree. Well, that’s all the time we have this week on Poxline. I’d like to thank Bubonic Plague for stopping by. Join us next week for Influenza. Seems like they drop in every year around this time.


End interview transcript.