(The following is a transcript from a 30-second commercial spot.)


(Scene: Dinner in a fictional family’s kitchen. Three adorable children sitting at table in background, eating. MOM is in foreground, back turned to us.)

(Camera “bumps” into MOM as ANNOUNCER speaks…)

Announcer: Hey, mom. Did you know that 50% of frozen vegans aren’t properly cleaned…?

Child #1: Mom! I think I swallowed an earring!

Mom: Oh no!

Annou: …And that 60% of frozen vegans are recycled pot-smoking hippies…?

Child #2: Mommy! The vegan I ate is telling me to do bad things!

Annou: …And that 70% of frozen vegans used to be Hollywood actresses…?

Child #3: Yo mom! The jelly in this boob tastes funny.

Mom: I’m not feeding that to MY family!

Annou: Now you don’t have to. Thanks to “Phil X Farm Brands Frozen Vegan!” Our frozen vegans are 100% hormone and steroid free…

(Shot of several men in “Phil X Farm Brands” lab coats and smocks. They dump a large corpse, dressed in a football uniform, into a dumpster.)

Annou: …100% drug and alcohol free…

(“Phil X” men. Now they dump a hippie stiff into the dumpster.)

Annou: …and 100% pygmy free.

(“Phil X” men. Now they dump little pygmy body into dumpster.)

Annou: Guaranteed.

Mom: Wow! That’s the kind of vegan I can feed to MY family!

(Pull back. Mom is carrying a tray in both hands. It’s got a juicy vegan arm, garnished with parsley and cherry tomatoes.)

Mom: Who wants seconds?

Children (together, excitedly): I do! I do!

Annou: That’s “Phil X Farm Brands” frozen vegan! Find it in your grocery freezer section. From the coroner’s table to your table.


(End transcript.)