A supposedly suicidal man tried to throw himself from the Henry Hudson Bridge last Thursday. According to the Post, Eddie Kassem, 28, of the Bronx, “did chin-ups” off the edge of the bridge’s slippery infrastructure, and even dangled himself “by one leg.”

Now, I would never say that it’s disappointing to hear Eddie Kassem still alive. However, I am very much disappointed by the insincere manner in which this SUPPOSEDLY suicidal man tried to make his life insurance company pony up. The rescue—the police did manage to rescue him—took TWO-and-A-HALF HOURS! Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re standing at the verge of a several-hundred foot drop, shouldn’t it take much less than the run-time of “The Thin Red Line” to meet Joe Black face-to-face? All Mr. Kassem had to do was re-enact the first step of the “hokey-pokey:” “Ya put your right foot in…”

Obviously, Mr. Kassem had no real intentions towards the long goodbye. It might have just been stress that pushed him—literally—to the edge. According to the Post article, Mr. Kassem “was upset because he’d just been released from jail—and thought he was headed back because a woman filed a criminal complaint against him.”

Naturally, we could blame our all-too-unyielding criminal justice system for Mr. Kassem’s despair. This is, after all, the same system that gave the young men who brutalized and nearly murdered the Central Park jogger a decade ago ONLY FIVE YEARS IN JAIL EACH! And they say French penologists are harsh! Sure, let us rage against our society’s contemptible code for punishing those who transgress over the rules of social order! Oh, please. Spare me, you left-wing extremists! I’m certain we can all agree that the REAL culprit behind Mr. Kassem’s suicide attempt is the same cancerous growth which has eaten at the marrow of western civilization for decades: Dirty, lazy hippies!

Clearly, Mr. Kassem was only POSING as a desperate, suicidal man. And who originated and made popular the poser mentality? Hippies, that’s who! With all their posturing about peace, love, and freedom. Everyone knows it was just a cover for slothfulness and drug-addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying there weren’t any absolutely sincere hippies. Look at the late Reverand Jim Jones—or look at his cult’s mass burial site, if that’s easier. The man behind Jonestown gave off the vibe of being screwy and unpredictable, and brother, he lived up to it. Anyone who thought the Reverand was only posing as a nut had to eat his words, then wash them down with a glass of electric Kool-Aid. Make no mistake: Reverand Jim Jones may have been a commune-lording freak, but he was no poseur. If I’m certain of anything, he’s looking down from Planet Telex as we speak, and he is not at all pleased with all the dead-hippie wannabes who don’t have the guts to chug from the cyanide bowl.

So Mr. Kassem, the Reverend Jim Jones would like a word with you, as soon as he’s finished circling Neptune. In the meantime, cease being a hippie poseur! Aw, like you have any incentive to stop now! All you had to do was PRETEND to be suicidal. Now the judge will probably throw out the case against you. Your lawyer will just plead for leniency, and His or Her Honor’ll hold off on the guillotine, because poor you tried to leap off a bridge. Then there’s all the suicide groupies. They’ll be, like, “Awww, you’re so delicate and vulnerable, Mr. Convicted Criminal. Let me make it all better. No, I don’t mind you wrapping your hands around my throat like that.”

Hey, you know what I just realized? I have problems! I need attention! I’m gonna go find me a bridge! While I’m out, if Planet Telex calls, somebody take a message.