YOU CAN CRAM IT FULL OF DILDOES, SOUR-PUSS!

God, I hate my boss. However, since I need money to pay my bills, I will refer to my awful boss as "May Badweather," a suitable pseudonym, seeing as (1) Her first name also coincides with a month of the year, and (2) She seemingly has a dark cloud hovering above her head at all times.

As far as I can tell, May Badweather's job requires her to be an absolute nuisance to everyone at techpool. Everyone hates her, especially XB, the project manager. She refers to May as "that woman," e.g. "There's no talking to that woman." This complaint arose after May instituted new schedules for the upcoming peak season.

According to the new techpool schedules, we all must work 9-hour shifts, either 10-7, or 11-8. Sounds awful at first, but not totally groan-inducing, once you consider the overtime possibilities, correct? Wrong. Miss Badweather requires that everyone take a one-hour break, meaning no more than 8 hours of work per day. Should you feel you don't require a break, Miss Badweather has no problem with you working through that extra hour--you simply won't get paid for it.

And yet, yesterday I arrived at the office around 9:30, a half-hour early for my shift. I needed to make a phone call to Rutgers, so I did, on my own personal phone. Suddenly, May Badweather storms in, interrupting my personal phone call, and asks why I haven't begun work on the files. I begin to explain that I have arrived early, the other members of techpool aren't in yet, and my shift does not technically start until 10. May Badweather made it perfectly clear that as long as I am in the office, I am expected to work--even if my shift hasn't started yet. She did not mention whether I would be paid for my extra time, nor did I mention the real reason I hadn't begun working outside my official schedule--I believed she would cheat me out of time. But off to work I went (sort of), mentally cursing May Badweather with surprising creativity.

Maybe her bitchiness would be slightly more forgivable if she was a decent manager. But she isn't. She's like a bureaucrat out of a Joseph Heller novel, a selfish crackpot who is ultimately a useless cog. She may offer big ideas like these 9-hour shifts, but we don't need them. Techpool finished all the work by 2 o-clock, then we all sat around bored. So much for the new shifts providing the versatility we need for this upcoming peak season.

What myself, techpool, and the universe requires, more than creative shift-making, is an explanation why May Badweather is such a bitch. Others who have worked for the wonderful Bowne have told me that underneath her experior bitchiness, May is a total sweetheart. Lies! Lies! Lies! If I am certain of anything, it is that underneath her bitchy exterior, beats the icy heart of an angry, bloodsucking super-bitch!

But why is this so? Since I am a male, and therefore I assume the universe revolves around my phallus, I conclude that Miss Badweather hasn't had sex in a long time. If it would make her a better manager, I would offer to cram the dildo myself, but amazingly, this would make me lose respect for her. You'd think this impossible, given how few dregs of respect I still have for her now, but I would. So I have to take my plight to the public, and ask for your assistance. Should any of you, whilst in a bar, a cafe, feeding small mice to snakes, etc., encounter a 5-foot-2 woman who is the manager of Desktop Publishing for Bowne Communications, and has a month for a first name, do everything possible to have sex with her. Do it for me. Do it for the poor employees subject to her tyrannical rule. For God's sake, do it for your country. Thank you.