The Days of Whinin' Vegans:


Okay, why does Phil X hate vegans so much? I've been giving that question a lot of thought this weekend, and I've come to the conclusion that vegans defy the normal pattern of human evolution. That makes them the equivalent of sewer monsters, or Shakers. Either way, making them extinct is the best option.

Ignore all the self-righteous crud they spew: Human beings are the most advanced species on the planet. We have evolved past the point of having to eat less-evolved species. Blah-blah-blah! Look at the pattern which the human species has followed. Would you say that, compared to a thousand years ago, humans do LESS work now or MORE work? Less, you say? Shows how much you know. Au contraire (literally, "on the contraire"), we do MORE work now, only with less effort. Example: I traverse God knows how many miles a day on the subway and on the bus. I spend so much time on the MTA, my children will likely be conceived and born on the Q-train. While I don't have to walk those miles on foot, a la my caveman ancestors, I still traverse those miles. I still cover a lot more distance than my Cro-magnon granddaddy. I get more miles under my belt, with less sweat.

So if we follow my argument, that the trend of human evolution actually points to MORE work done with LESS effort in the long run, then isn't human destiny not to eat less meat or no meat, but to devour MORE meat with LESS effort? I think so! And I believe that, if not for vegans, mankind would have acheived that destiny by now. Remember The Jetsons? They had, like, entire steaks compressed into tiny pills. We should have that by now! I want to be able to chew a single tablet, and simulate devouring an entire rack of lamb! Am I the only one who thinks that would be really cool? Huh?