THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Word around the water cooler still revolves around Monday’s finale of “That Millionaire Bachelor Show.” For those who no longer recall, the Monday night ratings winner featured a good-looking millionaire guy selecting a good-looking non-millionaire woman from throngs of other good-looking non-millionaire women, then revealing to her that he in fact is NOT a millionaire. Producers of the show then rewarded the couple by GIVING THEM $1 MILLION DOLLARS!

Now that the show is over, it is clear why the series, and especially the final episode, struck a strong chord in the American public. After all, if anything, the resolution of “That Millionaire Bachelor Show” reinforced that fairy tale moral: Good-looking people get all the breaks. I mean, put the whole f*cking thing in context. Fox television basically gave two people a million dollars for spending the last few weeks dating. What, do you think they jetted back-and-forth between their day jobs and Fantasy Island over there? Of course not. They’ve been doing nothing. No real work, anyway! They’ve spent the last few weeks prancing around in front of a camera.

Oh wait, now I get it. They managed to hold the Nielsons’ attentions for all these weeks. I’ll bet it’s because of their effervescent personalities. BWAH-HAH-HAH! Let’s face it, America: They look good on camera. That's the only reason they were on TV in the first place, it’s the only reason most of brain-dead America payed any attention to them on a regular basis, and it’s the only reason they got a million dollars in the end. Once again, I refer to my thesis: Good-looking people get all the breaks. How else do you explain this show’s overwhelming popularity, David Hasselhoff, or half the female crooners in the music industry?

Actually, those last two belong in the same category.

…And time marches on!