THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Trial is set to begin for disgraced Suffolk County patrolman Frank Reich. Reich is accused by over a dozen women of violating their civil rights, sexual harassment, and in some cases, even attempted sexual assault. The real mystery, however, isn’t whether Frank Reich is guilty. What really boggles the mind is, why only ATTEMPTED sexual assault? I mean, you pull them over on a dark, deserted highway. There’s no witnesses. You can always claim they traded sex for no ticket. Why not at least earn your manhood, Reich?

Best explanation: Frank Reich is really a latent homosexual. Good thing he’ll be in jail soon, where he can receive regular anal rape.

…And time marches on!