The weekend was full of big news headlines (“Kerry Kennedy Cuomo separates from husband Andrew Cuomo!” “Civil war in Liberia!” “Too many cookies are bad for you!”)

These were movies I watched over the past weekend. Or perhaps, they were watching ME. (Dah-dah-DAAAHHHH!)


THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER:

“Akira,” directed by Katsushiro Otomo. “The Ring,” directed by Gore Verbinski.

I admire “Akira” a great deal. The animation is amazing, the main characters have much greater depth than the average cartoon, and I sense that the creator/director, Otomo, is actually trying to convey something to us. Do I have any idea what this message is supposed to resemble? I think it has something to do with nuclear holocaust, mixed with some social commentary regarding the youth of Japan.

Or maybe it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

I’m more comfortable thinking of “Akira” as an animated distant-cousin to Kubrick’s “2001”; both films contain stunning visuals. I could not understand either “Akira” or “2001” after my first viewing, but there is no doubt that the experience of watching the films was compelling. Something drew me in and kept me fascinated until the ending credits rolled.

This is not to say that I think “Akira” is an out-and-out classic. Here’s a big gripe, and it may smack of sacrilege: I think Otomo gets off on the ill-treatment of women. The cute girlfriend of Tetsuo gets her shirt ripped up by motorbike gangsters, and Otomo shows it in all its grotesque glory. He also takes his time showing her getting punched in the face. Later in the film, Otomo shows her die in a really gruesome way.

Yes, there’s a lot of death in this movie, to all sorts of characters, but Otomo clearly has a double standard. What about Kaneda and Tetsuo’s biker-mate? Tetsuo supposedly kills him, but it’s never shown on screen. What’s up, Otomo? Don’t tell me you thought showing HIM being offed would be too extreme, or in too much bad taste.

There’s also the subtitling. While the “Akira” DVD I have is, in fact, a Japanese import, my God, I hope other versions of this film have better subtitles. As far as my version goes, it seems like they translated the Japanese directly to English, without dealing with the different syntaxes. My favorite two incomprehensible lines, which keep reappearing throughout the movie, are:

(1) “What is wrong with you on Earth?” and

(2) “Don’t be so prolix!”

I looked up the word prolix in my handy Oxford paperback. It means “wordy.” I can only imagine that, if this were an English dub, they would be saying things like “You talk too much!” or “Shut up!” Maybe that’s all they were trying to say—“Shut up!” You’ve got to hand it to the Japanese; even their rude insults are enshrouded in politeness.

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As for “The Ring,” I liked it right up until the final twenty minutes. What were those last twenty minutes for? Sequel money, best I can figure. Has anyone out there seen the original “Ringu?” Did it have a twist ending as well, or were the big brains at Dreamworks influenced a wee bit too much by “The Sixth Sense?”

All I can say about this movie is: It was so un-scary that I had to put a sheet over the TV when I went to sleep the nights after, because it’s right across from my bed. But why, I ask you, did “The Ring” have to have the “big twist” ending? I don’t so much hate “Sixth Sense” rip-offs as much as I hate surprise endings that make the previous 110 minutes totally make no sense. I got into an argument with the person I was watching the movie with over this, and it went something like:

-So if nothing has changed from the beginning of the movie, what was the point of Naomi Watts going into the well?

-Samara tricked her into freeing her. Now she can go around killing people.

-But she was already killing people at the beginning of the film.

-… Shut up, Phil. It was only a movie.

And at that moment, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo and I knew it would never work out. We went our separate ways. So much for my dream of marrying into that most prestigious of American political families. Not that I’m bitter. I’m too busy catching up on sleep.