“HEY LOOK, I’M RALPH NADER, AND I’M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. I’LL PROBABLY STEAL ENOUGH DEMOCRATIC VOTES FROM JOHN KERRY TO HELP RE-ELECT GEORGE W. BUSH, BUT THAT’S OKAY. Because everyone has an equal right to run for President in this country, and obviously, as long as you’re not a Democrat, you have every right to win.”

Ah, Sir Ralph of Princeton. Here’s the man who hates the Democratic Party so much he’s willing to ruin the lives of millions of non-zillionaire Americans. Don’t buy any of that, “I’m running to give the American people a presidential nominee who doesn’t represent the special interests” crap. The only reason Ralph Nader is running for President is so Ralph Nader can stroke himself with a smile this November. It’s been well-documented in the New York Times, and all over the web, that Nader wants to utterly destroy the Democratic Party. He feels that the Democrats have become too corporate interest-oriented, as much so as that country club masquerading as a political party which we call the Republicans.

Nader may very well cause the Democrats a seismic setback come November. Polls all over the news show Bush and Kerry in a virtual dead heat once the salt-and-pepper haired independent is factored in. Nader, of course, denies the detrimental effect his candidacy has on the Democratic bid. In the mind of the boy from the enviromentally-sound ivory tower, Ralph-for-Prez will harm Bush much more than Kerry down the line. After all, political pundits know that there’s no one Republicans like more than a candidate who is against large corporations, and who reserves particular animosity towards the big oil companies. Why, in southern states like Texas, where oil both employs and enriches thousands of lives, registered Republicans will be leaping over the party line like their chaps are on fire!

If it sounds like I think John Kerry is already doomed, that’s because I think John Kerry is already doomed. Mark my words: Ralph Nader is going to ruin everything. And that shouldn’t surprise anyone, given that, as I noted in the earlier paragraph, Nader has spent way too much time in an ivory tower, isolated from the suffering of ordinary people. I wonder how many of his Princeton law school chums came from working-class families?

Hey Nader, if I vote for you, will you give me a job? Because that’s my criteria as far as determining who I vote for. Frankly, I don’t care if you stood up to Dodge in order to get a standard-sized bumper attached to the front of a car. I can’t buy a car, because I CAN’T FIND A GOOD JOB! And if it takes special favors from a political dittohead to get Dodge to hire more workers to make more cars, I will vote that special interest-monkey into office, and I will personally wave the banana that leads him into the White House.

In closing, CNN online has just reported Nader saying he will be meeting with either Kerry or the Kerry camp next month, in order to discuss pooling resources in the mutual fight to kick Bush out of office. But don’t worry, says Nader, there’s no way the Democrats will talk me out of running. The Kerry camp makes no comment; it’s possible this is just a stunt by Ralphie Boy to make himself look like a big shot. “Who do the Democrats wanna talk to? Me, that’s who. Because I own a whopping 5 percent of the popular vote. Look at me, I’m a big monkey.”

And the sad part is, that 5 percent of the popular vote makes him a veritable King Kong. If anyone knows what kind of banana Ralphie Boy’s keen on, maybe we can trick him back into his cage up on that ivory tower.