The youngest victim of the notorious Washington, D.C.-area sniper held a press conference today. He is recovering, and says he cannot wait to get back to a life of “playin basketball and hangin out with his friends.” Doctors agree that the young man is well on his way to getting back on his feet and shot to death by rival gang members by the age of 15.

In other news, Phil’s internet access is due to run out in 70 days. He is looking at different providers. Can anyone recommend a provider? Cost is the only object. Phil does not care if the provider’s connections suck. Phil’s current provider—People PC—sucks, which is why he is letting his access run out. Thank you.