I like to think of myself as a man of principles, and I am willing to change those principles if a Tuesday night screening of LOTR is at stake!

I am officially shifting blame away from the subway workers’ union, to the MTA itself! I believe that if the MTA is indeed facing a deficit in the near-future, it has every right to protect its own solubility by denying workers a raise in the first year of their new contracts. However, the MTA has refused to open its books, either to the union or to the public. Consequently, the union argues that the MTA is just using the deficit as a smokescreen, in order to divert funds from the workers to other projects—or to corrupt MTA officials’ pockets. I now believe that the workers have every right to strike until the MTA opens its accounting books and negotiates in good faith.

Why am I suddenly vehement in uncovering the use of transit money over the past few years? As many of you know, I have been sick lately. I have found travelling on the subway extremely difficult. I firmly believe that my illness is the result of some sort of biological experiment conducted by the MTA. Yes, it’s true. I believe they have been using fare monies to finance this nefarious biological experiment. These experiments were conducted in the wee late hours, when fewer customers rode the rails. I believe I was exposed to the toxic substance during the summer. It incubated in my nervous system for several months, lying dormant until higher stress levels awakened it. I do not know what the MTA intended to do with their engineered biological organism, but my best guess is that it was meant as a weapon to wipe out homeless tunnel dwellers. Haven’t you all noticed how many more crazies are in the subways lately? Who knows? Perhaps some of them went mental after exposure to the bio-organism. I mean, some of them have severe problems. Alcohol abuse and crack cocaine couldn’t have done all that damage.

So side with the unions, people! We must know the true nature of the MTA’s nefarious scheme. Do not go gently into that good night. But if you are up that late, for God’s sake, don’t take the subways home.