PHIL vs. THE PHONE COMPANY

I pay my cell phone bill every month. Personally, I'm proud of having developed enough discipline to send out these monthly payments. It's been about a year since I bought the phone, and I've yet to make a late payment. Until the month of August, that is.

Actually, I did pay my August phone bill. My phone company, however, disagrees. I first became aware of our difference of opinion roughly two weeks ago, when my phone service was interrupted. That's the actual term the phone people used on the message they left me: "Your phone service has been interrupted. To speak to someone in the customer service department, call --------." Who says the phone company doesn't have a sense of humor? First they disconnect—I mean "interrupt"—my phone service. Then they tell me if I want to find out why, I have to call them. I love it when institutions like the phone company mock me. Bunch of sick bastards…

Back to the phone thing. I go to Old Faithful, the landline, and I call the phone company demanding to know why my service has been disconn—interrupted. They tell me I didn’t pay my bill. Thanks to my absolute lack of anything remotely resembling self-esteem, I was totally on their side at first. But then I check my calendar, and it turns out I DID pay the phone bill, and on time, too! I make a quick visit to my credit card company website, check my account online, and that confirms it. Payment was charged to my card on the tenth of the month.

I tell this to the customer service guy at the phone company, and he puts me on hold while he checks his computer. When he comes back, he tells me that the payment was rejected by my credit card company. “Well, that can’t be,” I say. According to my credit card bill, the charge from the phone company definitely stuck. The customer service guy tells me to fax over a print of the online bill. He also mentions that I might want to fight the $25 returned-payment charge, as well as the $20 re-activation fee. I think I said something like “No shit,” before I hung up.

So I fax over a print, my phone gets re-activated, then everything is calm for about a week. Then I get a call from the phone company’s “Research and Verification” department. Whatever twit works there tells me they need a copy of the actual bill, with my mailing address included. My print of an online bill is not enough, apparently. Now, I don’t have any copy of the bill handy. I shredded it a few days prior, thinking the whole issue had been resolved. I tell “R & V” guy it’s gonna take time to get a new copy. He says no problem.

Now I call the credit card company to request a new copy of last month’s bill. Whilst on the phone, I ask, just to make absolutely sure, whether a payment charged to the card from the phone company indeed stuck to my account. Yes, it did. The credit card customer service guy is inquisitive enough to ask why I ask. I explain my situation, and the mix-up, which is CLEARLY the fault of my phone company. Credit card customer service guy suggests something brilliant: Just tell the phone company to call the credit card company, and they can verify that the phone bill was indeed charged. The credit card company does this all the time, I’m told. It’s called a “confidential third-party thing,” or something. They guarantee they won’t reveal my personal information. They won’t even get into exact numbers; they’ll just tell the phone company that the charge was not returned.

“That’s brilliant,” I say. Then I call the phone company, get transferred back to “Research and Verification,” and I tell them to please call the credit card company’s customer service line for one of those “confidential third-party things.” What does the twit at “Research and Verification” tell me? “Sorry, we can’t do that.”

“What do you mean you can’t do that?” I say.

“We’re not allowed to contact your credit card company.”

“But your dispute is WITH my credit card company.”

“Sir—“

“No, wait, listen. My credit card company can resolve all of this if you just call them. The guy I spoke to, G__, said you can have a ‘confidential third-party thing.’ He insisted that you talk directly with him…”

“Sir, calling your credit card company is out of our jurisdiction. It just isn’t something our department does.”

“You’re the ‘Research and Verification’ department! All I’m asking you to do is research! Call my credit card company, RESEARCH my bill, then VERIFY that I paid it! How can this possibly be outside the scope of your department?”

“Sir—“

“What, you can’t pick up a phone? Dial a number? I’m trying to make this easy for you, giving you the path of least resistance. You need a copy of my bill instead? You need to drag this out even longer? I don’t get it…”

“Sir—“

“Why do I have to jump through hoops when YOU GUYS screwed up? Clearly, this is YOUR fault, not mine! Look at the bill I faxed to you! I paid the August phone bill!”

“That bill is not enough verification…”

“How would a copy of my credit card bill be more verification than my credit card company telling you I paid it? What, you think this is all part of some elaborate scam? Yes, MasterCard is a front! The second-largest credit issuing company in the world, and I’ve been running it out of my basement for the last twenty years! For Chrissake, I’m not telling you to call my mom so she can tell you what an honest boy I am. I’m telling you to call MASTERCARD! You can get their customer service number off a phone directory if you don’t trust me! What, Research & Development can’t research a phone book?”

I think I had blanked out during the rest. When I snapped back to, however, I noticed a lot of foam lying in a puddle at my feet.

So I call my credit card company, get a new copy of my bill mailed to my house, and I fax that to the phone company. Fast-forward several weeks. I get a call from the phone company, some other twit from R & V, and she tells me that in spite of the various authentic bills which clearly show that the payment was made, they’re, uh, pretty sure it wasn’t. So I have to call Mastercard, dispute the charge, and charge the bill again. Alright, I’m okay with having to call Mastercard and re-charging the phone bill. However, I can’t understand why they put me through all the trouble of presenting incontrovertible evidence that the payment was made, if they were going to make me pay the bill over again anyway. It’s like they’re saying, “Phil, you clearly haven’t done anything wrong, but we’re putting all the responsibility for cleaning this mess up on you, anyway.” Lovely.

Then I pick up the phone and call Mastercard. I give them the phone company’s p.o.v., and politely request that they put the charge in dispute, so I can repay the bill. Here’s where the train flies off the heightened reality track and plummets down into the gorge of the surreal: My credit card company will not let me dispute the charge. The phone company, they assure me, are a bunch of lying liars. The charge was not returned, and if the phone company says it was, they better provide some evidence on paper. I tell them the equivalent of “Put the fucking charge in dispute, you fucking fuck, or I will rip your fucking head off and fuck your esophagus!” Very well, they tell me. However, I have to have the phone company send me a copy of whatever paperwork they have that says the charge was returned. If I don’t forward that paperwork to the credit card company within 10 working days, my disputed charge will be taken out of dispute.

So I call the phone company yet again, and tell them to send me copies of whatever paperwork says the charge was returned. No, they tell me. That’s against our policy. I tell them this is getting ridiculous, and I threaten to hire a lawyer. I tell them that my credit card company has provided me, and them, with ample and indisputable evidence which clearly shows that said charge was made, and that said charge was never rejected. The phone company, meanwhile, has given me the equivalent of “You did not pay your phone bill because we say so.” I tell them that I am tempted to cancel my phone service and that I will not pay them anything for the last two months, since the phone company web site does not allow me to pay my monthly bill without paying the ENTIRE bill, including the sum in dispute. Then I say something about the person’s mother and I hang up.

I call Mastercard, those fucks, and I tell them that the phone company will not send me any paperwork. Mastercard says their people will handle it. Whatever, I say. Then I thank those fucking fucks and I go for a walk.

I can only pray that this whole debacle will be over soon, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.