THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Phil X breaks from format to subtly encourage the killing of illegal immigrants.

IT’S US OR THEM!!!

In December of 2002, a Queens couple was attacked near Shea Stadium by a group of crazed homeless men. They beat the couple, then dragged the woman to their filthy shanty-town, where they repeatedly raped her. Most of the filthy homeless were illegal immigrants. However, not only were they filthy illegals, but long rap sheets for serious crimes already existed for them. Why were these filthy illegals back on the street, victimizing honest, decent, legitimate American citizens? Because INS red tape kept them from being deported. THESE KINDS OF FILTHY ILLEGALS ARE EVERYWHERE! That’s right. We are under seige in our own country, by filthy, illegal foreigners!

If you’re like me, you are now justifiably enraged. What is to prevent honest, decent, legitimate Americans such as you and I from being the next victim of insane foreign devils, who creep illegally into our fair land to crap in our streets and rape our women? INS ain’t gonna help us. On the contrary, the evidence clearly shows that INS enables these crack-smoking, South American-gonorrhea-spreading, non-English speaking lowlifes.

Only one thing can truly protect us: ourselves. That’s right, kids. It’s mob violence time. It’s time to take our streets back from filthy illegals, and all homeless scum in general. We know where the majority of these crapheads dwell: In our city parks, abandoned factories and homes, under bridges. We must form armies of angry, violent Americans, and sweep across this great city like a graceful hand. Enter these filthy dens for filthy illegals, round up the inhabitants, demand to see green cards or similar identification. If the filthy illegal cannot come up with anything, relieve the earth of his foul corporeal essence. This is the sum of my proposed quasi-military operation, which I dub Project X.E., for “Xenophobic Eradication.” We must show the illegal predatory scum that an attack on one legal citizen leads to the swift hand of death for them. They must learn that America is not the illegal immigrant’s playground. They must be taught to respect REAL Americans, or die!

Qualifications for joining Project X.E. are simple, but without exception. All candidates must have no prior criminal record. The reason for this is simple. When in the field, operatives of Project X.E. will NOT carry forms of identification. Should any operative of Project X.E. find him/herself detained by police, that operative will speak only in a second language, either authentic or made up. Said operative will identify him/herself as an illegal immigrant, with zero forms of identification. Said operative will have no prior criminal record, and therefore, will be turned over to INS. Once the field operative’s case is with INS, operative will most likely be back on the street within a week.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003--Police officially exonerate a public school teacher accused of sexually-molesting a Special Ed student. The student, whose name has not been released for purposes of anonymity, is part of what experts cite as a growing trend of bogus sexual assault claims in schools. Police began cracking these particular cases after realizing that 16-year old girls with the brain-power of 5-year olds are not particularly sexy.

...And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003-Phil X posts a photo from a recent family get together. (I'm the one in the back.)

...And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003--The state of Rhode Island is still reeling from the overnight deaths of over 80 people at a Great White concert. A fire set ablaze the club in which the concert was taking place. According to witnesses, the fire was caused by stage pyrotechnics. The fireworks ignited the ceiling, shorted out the lights, and left hundreds of people scurrying in pitch-black darkness and smoke for an exit.

The original death toll was 40-50 people. However, the manager from Great White admits to inflating the figure in order to make it seem like the band has more fans.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Word around the water cooler still revolves around Monday’s finale of “That Millionaire Bachelor Show.” For those who no longer recall, the Monday night ratings winner featured a good-looking millionaire guy selecting a good-looking non-millionaire woman from throngs of other good-looking non-millionaire women, then revealing to her that he in fact is NOT a millionaire. Producers of the show then rewarded the couple by GIVING THEM $1 MILLION DOLLARS!

Now that the show is over, it is clear why the series, and especially the final episode, struck a strong chord in the American public. After all, if anything, the resolution of “That Millionaire Bachelor Show” reinforced that fairy tale moral: Good-looking people get all the breaks. I mean, put the whole f*cking thing in context. Fox television basically gave two people a million dollars for spending the last few weeks dating. What, do you think they jetted back-and-forth between their day jobs and Fantasy Island over there? Of course not. They’ve been doing nothing. No real work, anyway! They’ve spent the last few weeks prancing around in front of a camera.

Oh wait, now I get it. They managed to hold the Nielsons’ attentions for all these weeks. I’ll bet it’s because of their effervescent personalities. BWAH-HAH-HAH! Let’s face it, America: They look good on camera. That's the only reason they were on TV in the first place, it’s the only reason most of brain-dead America payed any attention to them on a regular basis, and it’s the only reason they got a million dollars in the end. Once again, I refer to my thesis: Good-looking people get all the breaks. How else do you explain this show’s overwhelming popularity, David Hasselhoff, or half the female crooners in the music industry?

Actually, those last two belong in the same category.

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003--Phil temporarily breaks from format.

Stupid snow! I was supposed to take the GRE today! I was actually prepared! And confident! When am I ever going to possess those two qualities simultaneously again? Now I have to wait until March! Stupid snow!

...And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Phil X gets an e-mail from an old friend. This old friend, whom we shall refer to as “L,” informs Phil X that many of their mutual acquaintances from bygone days have actually managed to accomplish things with their lives. One of these old acquaintances has just become a certified nurse. Phil X is not actually envious of nurses; however, he realizes that their annual salary exceeds anything he could possibly make. Meanwhile, another old acquaintance gets paid good money to copy-edit for the Boston Globe.

Official word from the Phil X camp is that he is overwhelmingly happy for both newly-registered nurse, and copy-editor for Boston Globe. But at the same time, it kinda makes him wonder exactly what the hell he’s been doing with his life the last few years.

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the February 17, 1953 edition of the New York Post.

--Today also marks the 50th Anniversary of the February 17, 1953 edition of the Boston Globe.

--In related news, today also marks the 100th Anniversary of the February 17, 1903 edition of the New York Post. Various editors and staff reporters at the New York Post celebrated the centennial by printing a February 17, 2003 edition of the New York Post.

1903—Various editors and staff reporters at the New York Post celebrate the 50th anniversary of the February 17, 1853 edition of the New York Post.

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Mother Nature attacks New York! The White House already suspects ties between Mother Nature and Iraq! That country will pay!

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

999,999 B.C.—First recorded incident of woman hitting man with club for forgetting Valentine’s Day.

999,998 B.C.—First recorded incident of said man killing said woman, who had been estranged from him for a year. And that man’s name was… Robert Chambers!!!

2003—“Preppie Killer” Robert Chambers released from jail. He served 15 years for murdering former girlfriend Jennifer Levin in Central Park. Chambers contended that Levin’s death was the result of rough sex. “We were really into that kind of thing,” Chambers stated. “Well, I was really into it. (Jennifer) took some coaxing, but she eventually came around. Oh, wait. She didn’t. That’s why I’m under arrest.”

--Robert Chambers has no plans to return to New York, since he already took care of everyone on his ‘murder’ list.

--Robert Chambers admits to smoking marijuana while in prison. However, after smoking ex-girlfriend Jennifer Levin, Chambers admits that it was a step down.

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—Trial is set to begin for disgraced Suffolk County patrolman Frank Reich. Reich is accused by over a dozen women of violating their civil rights, sexual harassment, and in some cases, even attempted sexual assault. The real mystery, however, isn’t whether Frank Reich is guilty. What really boggles the mind is, why only ATTEMPTED sexual assault? I mean, you pull them over on a dark, deserted highway. There’s no witnesses. You can always claim they traded sex for no ticket. Why not at least earn your manhood, Reich?

Best explanation: Frank Reich is really a latent homosexual. Good thing he’ll be in jail soon, where he can receive regular anal rape.

…And time marches on!

A special Valentine’s Day edition of THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

1971—During recess, a young boy presents a heart-shaped card to a little girl with pigtails and freckles. The little girl says, “I’m sorry, Davey. But Momma says never accept gifts from the spawn of Hell-demons.”

1981—In between classes at the local high school, this same boy, now a teenager, presents a Valentine’s Day card to an unsuspecting young woman at her locker. The young lady grows hot in the face, then begins yelling for anyone to hear: “That’s just great! First I’m diagnosed with polio, now I get a Valentine from YOU! This is the worst day of my life!” Then she hobbles away on her crutches.

1987—This same young man, now a salesman at the local sporting goods store, approaches the house of a young immigrant woman who speaks little English. He is armed with a bouquet in one hand, a box of chocolates in the other. Before he can even ring the doorbell, the young immigrant woman’s dog chases him away.

1988—This time, the dog invites him in, but tells him, “After reviewing your financial situation, Davey, including assets and investments, we don’t view you as an acceptable suitor at this time.” Then the dog chases him away again.

1994—The young man, now thirty years old, attracts the attention of a local librarian. She doesn’t have polio, and she speaks English quite well, but Davey is okay with that.


What’s the message? The only way to succeed is to keep plugging away… as time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

2003—In response to news of a Harlem principal caught drunk and urinating in public, anti-establishment poseurs begin telling their fellow students, “If you wanna be cool, you gotta pee indoors.”

2003--With anti-terrorist alert levels at the second-highest stage, NYU President John Sexton took time to address the student body:

"If terrorists do attack, you may experience transit shutdowns, phones may stop working, and you may face lethal chemical attacks. In spite of these problems, NYU will remain open, and you will be required to attend classes."

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

1897—A Leningrad academic changes cinematography forever when, filming his fiancee boarding a train using his archaic wind-up camera, he points the camera at them from an angle. This new technique is later discredited when the camera turns out to be a small poodle, and the academic discovers that he has no idea what a camera is.

2003—Phil X discovers that all one-hundred copies of the resume he has been faxing are hopelessly blurred due to a small flaw in the format.

2003—Phil X’s computer laughs at him.

2004—Phil X’s computer finally stops laughing.

2203—The finishing touches are put on mankind’s first colony on the planet Mars. There is a street named after each of the astronauts who died in the Columbia disaster.

…And time marches on!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

1938—Buford Lundquist, amateur mouth-breather, reverts to the nasal method.

1949—A man enters a general store in Wichita Falls, Kansas, removes a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the icebox, examines it carefully, then puts the bottle back in the icebox.

2003—Phil X discovers that giggling fits are not apropos while attending a family funeral.

…And time marches on!