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Thursday, July 31, 2003

I SHOULDA BEEN A JAPANESE SALMON.

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Big, assertive guys don't always get the girls.

In some species, such as coho salmon and quail, weedier, less aggressive males are the top choice of females, New Scientist magazine said on Wednesday.

"People just expect the dominant guy to win. But females learn through personal experience that these males can be hurtful," according to Alex Ophir, of Canada's McMaster University in Ontario.

Observing quail

Ophir proved the point by observing Japanese quail. After female quail watched a fight between two males they were put in the same cage with the combatants. Virgin females preferred the winner but the females with some sexual experience tended to choose the loser.

Female coho salmon are also more likely to mate with males known as jacks who stop growing earlier and are smaller than their competitors, said evolutionary biologist Steve Shuster of Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff.

May fear getting hurt

He suspects female salmon may be attracted to jacks because their early maturing could be a sign of quality and success.

"The females may also prefer to avoid the physical abuse of mating with aggressive males," the magazine added.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

I rarely plug television shows, but I'm going to plug one today, because I feel everyone should watch it. The show is called "Banzai," and it appears every Sunday at 8:30 pm on Fox.

"Banzai" is the only television show I watch every week. It isn't a particularly brainy show. There's no genius writing or acting; you could argue there isn't any writing or acting at all. It's a spoof of Japanese game shows. A bunch of idiots compete in some of the stupidest stunts imaginable, and the audience is invited to bet on who wins. The whole enterprise is a lot of fun, and teeters right at the edge of political correctness on network TV.

"Banzai" has taken a lot of flack from Asian American watchdog groups who decry the show as racist. I'm certainly glad someone has decided to represent Asian Americans across this country. However, I've never heard of any of these Asian-Am affiliate groups, nor have they ever tried to recruit me. Is it possible they're just groups of four or five loud-mouthed Al Sharpton wannabes who call the local news station whenever they catch whiff of anything that doesn't fall within the narrow parameters of what they deem inoffensive? I don't know. In the past, these watchdog groups have shown they have perspectives narrower than a Singaporean sweatshop worker's urethra. They certainly hate "Banzai," and I really don't think they have grounds to hate it.

The central complaint of Asian American watchdog groups:

The Japanese "hosts" on Banzai are crude stereotypes, speaking with "Me So Solly" accents that make fun of Asians.

CNN's online site featured a story about the Banzai controversy. Gary Monoghan, "Banzai!'s" creator, defended his show against racist allegations. According to Monoghan, most of the show is filmed in Japan or Great Britain; the Japanese hosts are played by authentic, imported Japanese actors. Furthermore, none of these actors use put-on or exaggerated accents. They speak as they would in real life. Perhaps what really offends Asian American watchdog groups is that these hired Japanese actors don't sound AMERICAN enough. Perhaps if the Wayans Brothers dubbed in their voices, the final product would be more palatable.

So watch "Banzai!" And you Asian-American watchdog groups lighten up, or I will be forced to write a coherent argument against you!

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

You know… I’m disappointed.

When I told everyone that the various experiments at Bowne would not turn you into cyborg lizards, I was trying to trick all of you. I figured, once you heard that said experiments did not lead to cyborg lizard-hood, you’d all immediately sign up. Perhaps I wouldn’t make a great comic book villain, after all.

But come on! What would be so bad about becoming cyborg lizards? Cool cyborg lizards have pervaded American pop culture going as far back as the 90’s. Remember “Turok: Dinosaur Hunter?”

REMEMBERING TUROK: DINOSAUR HUNTER (AND THE REST OF THE VALIANT UNIVERSE.)

Turok was originally published by Gold Key during the 1920’s and 30’s. A decade of astounding creativity, much of it catalyzed by fears of a world swiftly changing through science, this Golden Age of comics produced such superhero characters as Superman and Captain Marvel. Turok was not quite a superhero. If anything, he resembled a holdover from comic books like The Lone Ranger or Blackhawk. The characters in these books got by on their wits, not super-strength or x-ray vision. Turok, that rare Native American comic book protagonist, had formidible tracking skills. He was also deadly with a bow and arrow. But the science fiction influences of the Golden Age, apparent in other comics from that era, were not reflected in the character of Turok himself. Rather, the world Turok inhabited reflected the world of sci-fi and fantasy.

Turok hunted dinosaurs in a strange “hidden world” untouched by time—the Lost Land. Back then he was known as “Turok: Son of Stone.” The dinosaurs, trapped in a world outside of time, managed to evolve to the point of intelligence. Unfortunately, the ability to speak did not make the dinosaurs any less savage. Turok constantly battled talking T-Rexes to ensure the survival of primitive human tribes.

Popular for quite a bit of time, “Turok: Son of Stone” went on hiatus after Gold Key Comics ran out of money. Writers ended the series on a cliffhanger: Turok discovers that the Lost Land is actually modern-day Arizona, and federal marshalls arrest him for poaching all those dinosaurs—a rare, and therefore, protected species. Can Turok’s lawyers successfully argue his Native American status, equivalent to a license to poach rare species? Fans would have to wait some seventy years for the answer.

Some seventy years later, Turok and other Gold Key characters were purchased by the Voyager Company. Voyager, in turn, owned Valiant Comics. Valiant, for those who blinked and missed it, exploded into the comics marketplace during the early 1990’s. For years a struggling publisher, Valiant’s leadership circle included comics veterans Jim Shooter and Bob Layton. Their strategy was to create a brand-new superhero universe, the core of which would be comprised of three Gold Key characters: Magnus: Robot Fighter, Solar: Man of the Atom, and Turok.

Magnus, a super-strong human from the future, and Solar, a doctor who becomes a veritable god after a nuclear-related mishap, came first. Throughout the first year of their respective runs, neither book crossed over into the other. While crossovers are common practice for superhero comics, in the case of Magnus and Solar, there was a problem: Magnus lived ten thousand years in the future, in a time where humans had been enslaved by machines. Solar, meanwhile, existed in modern times. Shooter, Layton, and company used 1990 and 10,000 A.D. as the two poles around which they constructed the Valiant universe. Shooter and Layton would create original characters to populate their universe. Shooter created the Harbingers, then Rai—a futuristic Japanese soldier with nano-machines in his blood. Layton created X-O Manowar, an armored hero.

After a year of stagnant sales, Shooter and Layton tied the present Valiant heroes and future ones together through “Unity,” a sprawling, epic crossover. “Unity” established Shooter’s “master plan” for the universe. Events in Valiant comics set in the present would inevitably affect comics set in the future. But this was not enough to bring in the fans of Marvel or DC.

Then Shooter, Layton, and the rest of the braintrust came up with an idea. They decided to dangle incentives for comic book stores to order their comics. They would offer, for example, a “Bloodshot” #1 with a silver-cover for every 10 regular “Bloodshot” #1’s ordered. These rare special-edition comic books soon soared in value. When Turok finally reappeared, hunting cybernetically enhanced dinos under the new moniker “Turok: Dinosaur Hunter,” his first issue became the highest-selling Valiant book ever. This is not to say several million copies of Turok #1 were purchased by comic fans. However, comic shop owners were so eager to obtain rare editions of Turok #1 that they ordered far more than they could sell.

For about six months, there was speculation that Valiant would unseat DC to obtain the #2 share of the superhero comics market. Jim Shooter had certainly created characters whom fans took a liking to. Unfortunately, he had a falling out with Layton, VP Steve Mazuchelli, and the rest of the braintrust. In effect, Layton and his cohorts stole the company out from under Shooter. Casting aside a company’s main creative force hardly inspires confidence in the lower ranks. Barely a month went by before Valiant Comics’ secondmost creative force, artist Barry Windsor-Smith, jumped ship. Dave Lapham, the company’s most popular homegrown artist, soon followed.

Current Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada, a fan-favorite artist at that time, injected some spark into the Valiant line. Sales, however, continued to decline. Layton and the remaining three-quarters of the braintrust made some terrible creative decisions. They expanded the line too fast at the expense of quality. An attempted 1992 crossover with Image Comics, another rising star of a publisher, caused the fiasco of the year. Entitled “Deathmate,” the crossover was hampered by the inability of Image artists to deliver by deadline. The crossover remains memorable for how an Image-published chapter finally hit comic stands nearly a year after the Valiant-published final chapter was released. Ultimately, “Deathmate” created more guffaws than awe.

By 1994, Voyager Communications sold the Valiant line to Acclaim, the popular video game producer. Valiant Comics was relaunched, this time as Acclaim comics. Initial interest flagged, and the line was soon cancelled again.

Acclaim hired veteran Marvel writer Fabian Nicieza as the Valiant line’s new editor-in-chief. In 1996, Acclaim Comics launched yet again. Despite some of the most detailed pectoral muscles ever conceived, then drawn by artist Bart Sears on “X-O Manowar,” the line fizzled once more. After the third cancellation, there would not be another relaunch.

Turok found himself in limbo for another five years. He did get a curtain call, along with the rest of the defunct Valiant line, in “Unity II,” a four-part series written by one-time head honcho Jim Shooter. “Unity II” drew together all the loose threads of the Valiant Universe—Shooter’s loose threads. He got to present the final chapter in the lives of the heroes he created. And Turok, now a dinosaur himself in the always evolving comic landscape, got to savor one last hunt.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

NOW YOU CAN BE A ROBOT, JUST LIKE PHIL!

As most of you know, I took part in an experiment last week at Bowne. Microsoft was indeed involved, but alas, no, I did not get turned into a robot. Believe me, no one is more disappointed than I am. I still suffer from the torment of human emotion. How long must I suffer? Who can say, who can say...

Anyway, the real objective of the experiment was to record my voice. I was given situations such as, "You are having trouble with a new printer you installed. If you had access to the voice-response program of a customer service department, how would you ask for assistance?" I gave a response into the microphone attached to a nifty headset, and my response was recorded. 'B,' the Microsoft liason, suggested that Microsoft is trying to cull together common keywords in peoples' responses. By figuring out the most common keywords people use in customer service situations, they can create an automated response program, thus eliminating thousands of jobs!

Join the digital revolution! If you are willing to donate 2 hours of time to responding to situations such as the one given above, let me know! Microsoft will give you free software for your time. You can do 2 hours at once, or on separate days. The address is:

132 West 31st Street, 12th Floor
New York, NY 10001 USA

I have the schedule right in front of me. Good timeslots are still available!

REMEMBERING JOHN SCHLESINGER:

News reached me late last Friday that director John Schlesinger had passed away. He had spent the previous months on life support after suffering a massive stroke. In memory of Mr. Schlesinger, here are excerpts from my upcoming memoir, entitled My Upcoming Memoir. They chronicle my days as production assistant on “Midnight Cowboy,” which Mr. Schlesinger directed. I was part of the New York City crew. Filming took place in 1968:

-“Like most visionary directors, Mr. Schlesinger respects guts and talent. He prefers to surround himself with individuals of these qualities. …I was one of numerous production assistants, toiling away in obscurity, until one fateful day when Mr. Schlesinger and cinematographer Adam Holender were discussing a shot in the drug den. It was quite a heated argument. I strode confidently up to both Mr. Schlesinger and Mr. Holender, cleared my throat audibly, and once I had both men’s attention, said,

“Provolone is just as good with tuna salad as American.”

Mr. Schlesinger had been grappling with this problem all morning. Later, he took me aside and told me I had real bullocks. And that is how I was promoted from catering to one of Mr. Schlesinger’s most-trusted assistants.”

-“Originally, writer Waldo Salt wanted to call the movie ‘Whore: What is it Good For?’ I happened to mention that ‘Midnight Cowboy,’ which was the name of the novel the picture was based on, might make a better title. Mr. Salt replied by having the teamsters move my car into the East River. …Incensed, I asked Mr. Schlesinger what I should do about Mr. Salt.

“Life is all about moral decisions,” Mr. Schlesinger replied. “Don’t think about how the situation will resolve itself. Think about how you yourself will change as a result of it.”

I spent days puzzling over this quizzical reply. Mr. Salt, meanwhile, finally seemed appeased after successfully dropping Sylvia Miles on my head.”

-“Wiring the streets of Times Square with hidden microphones was Mr. Schlesinger’s brilliant idea. He wanted to capture the authentic sounds of that cesspool of inequity.

While miking a streetlamp, I inadvertently jostled an Ecuadorian pimp, who began to furiously beat me across the head and stomach. Mr. Schlesinger was nearby, and he raced onto the scene, grabbing hold of the enraged pimp.

“No! No! No!” Mr. Schlesinger yelled. “Authenticity is everything! If you were beating this person in real life, you would do more stomping! More stomping!”

None of the audio footage for the incident—eight takes in all—made it to the final cut of the film. To this day, Mr. Schlesinger laments this. He thought the sounds I make choking up blood in the fifth take were especially brilliant.”

-“Towards the last week of shooting in midtown, Mr. Schlesinger and crew rented out a dingy apartment on the tenth floor of a run-down tenement. The apartment was used for interiors of Ratso Rizzo’s hovel; the building was used in exterior shots. During one of the key scenes, Dustin Hoffman (playing Rizzo) tries to break open a coconut using a window. …According to the script, the coconut would fall out the window, breaking on-impact with the street below. Unfortunately, we only had one coconut.

Mr. Schlesinger gave me the important task of standing on the sidewalk ten stories beneath the window, and catching the coconut every time it fell.

I am happy to say that through all fifteen takes of the coconut falling out the window, I succeeded in, if not catching the coconut with my hands, preventing it from hitting the pavement by using my head and/or body as a shield. I suffered a mere five or six concussions in the course of shooting that scene. Mr. Schlesinger, meanwhile, was ever the professional, and would only burst into laughter after every other take.”

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

BADWEATHER WARNING...

Okay, the good news: The last two days, May Badweather was still out.

The bad news: She's coming back TOMORROW!!!

Even worse: XB and LL will be taking a day off Friday, so I'll have to report directly to her! $@$*&#$!!! How do you say "G*dd*mmit! My rabid Chihuahua of a boss has returned to wreck havoc!" in French?


OK COMPUTER...

I was invited to take part in an experiment at work today. I'm not allowed to get into details, but I will say this: Microsoft was involved.

You know what that means! Robots!

Sunday, July 20, 2003

A WEEK OF GOOD WEATHER, AND NO BADWEATHER

May Badweather, my much despised and sinister boss, was gone all of last week. Sadly, she will return to the office this week. Even more unfortunate, however, is that I must return as well.

She has not been missed. Ask around the techpool, and everyone will tell you that the past week has been the most relaxing we've ever had. Strangely enough, we still managed to get all our work done. Granted, we aren't total self-sufficients; we have Pete and XB to keep our pool on track. But the bottom line is, our two-headed management monster does not need that third, most annoying and monstrous of monster heads, Miss Badweather. By the way, her idea of shifts has been a bust so far. Meanwhile, the scorer's table is still waiting to chalk her one for a good management idea. I have yet to see anything.

And I still contend that her worst bit of inspiration was hiring me, a clearly-unqualified tech-neophyte. I reiterate: She will rue the day she gave me a chance for a better life!


THE SAUSAGE WILL GET YOU... IN YOUR DREAMS!

Had a dream that I was trapped in a restaurant called "Hot and Now." It may be a catchy moniker, but it doesn't make promises of wholesome cuisine. "Hot and Now" served sausages, hots dogs, whatever you call them. Does such a restaurant exist in real life? Who knows. Formica tables were remarkably clean, however.

In the dream, I was about to bite into a "Hot and Now" special when something in my brain told me not to. Instead, I took a plastic knife, slit the sausage in half, and turned one of the halves sideways to see what was inside this brockwurst.

There was an eye in the sausage. Smaller than a human eye, maybe more like an animal's; large cornea glimmering like a black pearl. The eye blinked. Then I woke up.

"Hot and Now" would make a great name for a fast food place, though, wouldn't it?


"LOVE AND DEATH IN SAIGON" NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT?

Those of you who've read my review of Tsui Hark's 1989 film "A Better Tomorrow 3: Love and Death in Saigon" know that I really wanted to love that movie. After all, it had an epic feel, not to mention a lot of commie bashing. Something seemed to be missing though. Turns out it could have been 23 minutes.

I checked on-line, and the Honk Kong/Chinese cut of "ABT3" is supposed to be 130 minutes. Then I checked the copy my uncle made, and it's only about 107! According to imdb, the American cut of the film is 107 minutes. I have the American cut!

I asked my uncle if he knew anything about the different cuts. His reply was along the lines of "I didn't like the movie, so I never bothered checking." Fair enough, but perhaps he would have liked it if it had been the longer cut. You can fit a lot of story into 23 minutes. In 23 minutes, Baz Luhrmann could butcher the entire Beatles' catalogue, in about 5400 edited cuts. In those 23 minutes, Chow Yun-Fat's Mark Gor character could learn how to stunt-drive and blow up tanks. Then the later scene where he stunt drives and blows up a tank wouldn't seem so silly.

The point is, I must now find the original, long cut of ABT3. I've checked multiple on-line catalogs, and it seems that any version that has the three characters on the cover, with a blue sky background and all of them in straw hats and sunglasses, is the 130-min cut. And say what you will about the movie, but that cover would make a damn cool poster. If anyone happens to have such a copy of ABT3, or knows someone who does, please let me know (Okay, I'm really looking at one particular person.)

Saturday, July 19, 2003

THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER PRESENTS:

A review of “Punch Drunk Love,” a film by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Wow. This movie absolutely blew my mind. It left me in a giddy, nitrous oxide-induced state, like Dennis Hopper in “Blue Velvet.” Who’d have suspected that an Adam Sandler flick could be so great? Most of the credit belongs to P.T. Anderson, who’s made four features and, amazingly, has yet to produce a dud. Bravo to him.

Some credit, however, should go to Adam Sandler. His character in “Punch-Drunk Love” is very different from the usual Sandler persona. I’ve seen “Happy Gilmore” and “The Wedding Singer,” and was fairly indifferent to both. In fact, “The Wedding Singer” only managed to inflame passions when Sandler did that song which was supposed to be influenced by The Cure. When did Robert Smith ever verbally assault a woman via song lyrics? I think Sandler and whoever wrote the screenplay had him confused with Ike Turner.

But I digress. The point is, the socially-confident, quick-draw smirk-sporting Sandler of old has been replaced by a withdrawn, socially-awkward Homunculus. He’s an adolescent who’s managed to take baby steps into adulthood, yet retains that soul-crushing self-consciousness that he should have grown out of. Imagine Peter Parker without Spidey powers, and without Uncle Ben and Aunt May, either. You get the idea.

Make that Peter Parker without Spidey powers or parental guidance, but a great deal of Bruce Banner-esque subconscious rage. And yes, Sandler’s character, Barry Egan, explodes quite often. He explodes against small objects, glass doors, and a restaurant lavatory. But never is any of this rage unleashed against the people tormenting him. It’s really unhealthy rage; Egan bleeds his own hands and harms himself. The timing may be funny, but the violence is scary.

And then come the death threats! Phone sex extortion, five Aryan brothers from Utah, and eight Sandler sisters who incessantly, INCESSANTLY needle him. Poor Barry Egan. Everyone and everything seems to be a potential source of harm. Just observe that opening sequence: Sandler steps out of his office for a cup of coffee, and a terrifying car wreck occurs before his eyes!

But at the same time that car wreck occurs, a taxi cab pulls over and drops off a harmonium (small organ.) It has a calming effect on the Sandler character. I’m guessing this odd dialectic—car crash, then harmonium—reflects P.T. Anderson’s central theme: The world contains more than just harmful things. So then Emily Watson arrives, playing a divorcee named Lena. I wouldn’t go as far as to say she has a calming effect on Barry. But she provides him with compassion and understanding. Better still, she helps him channel his rage into the five Aryan brothers and their mattress-salesman boss. Way healthier!

“Punch-Drunk Love” is a story we’ve heard many times before. Wonderful woman sees through loser man’s loser façade, then helps him heal. It’s pandering to the desperate lonely guy’s ultimate fantasy, that the right woman will stumble into his life, and everything will magically change for the better. Emily Watson’s Lena accepts Barry for all his faults. In fact, GASP!—his sister showed her his picture, and she immediately fell in love with him! DOUBLE-GASP! What kind of film was used, and has Kodak patented it?

Do women like Emily Watson’s Lena—too good to be true—really exist? My first reflex is to say no. As I just stated, they are too good to be true, so therefore, they must be false. But my old pal Fernando Magri used to say the same thing, and now he’s happily married. So who knows? Philosophizing aside, I accepted Lena. I accepted her because I knew she was the right person for Barry. Now, I’m not saying Emily Watson isn’t attractive enough to land somebody better. She has a very pretty, pixie-like beauty. But there’s also a nurturing quality to Emily Watson, and I’m sure P.T. Anderson sensed it when he cast her. You just know that Barry Egan can trust this woman, can feel safe with her. You just know she’s what he needs.

So while the romance is earnest to the point of being wishy-washy, that’s okay because all the other plot lines are goofy and surreal as well. The movie is a carnival merry-go-round rotating around a pin. But Barry and Lena’s burgeoning relationship makes up that pin, so it’s a compelling one. You really want it to stick.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

SEX AND VIOLENCE, VEGAS STYLE!

No, that’s not another shameless attempt to draw attention to my blog. Instead, it’s the latest in adult entertainment on the strip! Just go to your nearest search engine and look up the phrase “Hunting for Bambi.” Voila! Paintball for perverts!

For a measly $10,000, you too can hunt naked women in a forest with a paintball gun! Better yet, if you “tag” one of the girls, you can have sex with her if she’s willing! Don’t worry, the majority of the “Bambis” have full-time gigs as prostitutes, so it wouldn’t be exploitation. At $10,000 a pop, you could actually call it overpaying!

Say, isn’t that the National Organization for Women aiming those laser sights at my crotch? Yes, you could argue that this kind of “sport” only strengthens the male inclination to objectify women as sex objects. But the founder of “Hunting for Bambi” argues that the women are very well-compensated. They get $1,000 for playing, and a whopping $2,500 if they can survive the game without being tagged. And none of the women are required to have sex with the male players. Even in the worst case scenario, Bambis earn $1,000 for stripping naked and getting some exercise. Wouldn’t this be preferable to turning tricks and spreading disease out in the brothels of No Man’s Land?

Now, there are some psychologists who argue that engaging in this kind of sport is potentially hazardous. Even the creator of “Hunting for Bambi” admits that their main clientele are “wimps” who aren’t exactly “Friday night with the guys”-types. Anti-social John Lithgow-in-a-De-Palma-flick guys. They throw down the cash, max out their credit cards, and get to live out their Rambo fantasies (And relive them as well. “Hunting for Bambi” sends a video guy with you to document your adventure. Just $10,000! All major credit cards accepted!) What if these guys don’t exactly have all their bolts properly tightened? What if they go Del Toro and start living out their huntin’ fantasies on women outside the “Bambi” grounds? Could “Hunting for Bambi” become a magnet for serial rapists and killers in training? The Post interviewed several customers after a successful Bambi hunt, and their highly intellectual banter went along the lines of:

“I shot at the one with the biggest rack,” and
“Got one of them in the ass. (Pause.) Reeeaaaaaalll sexy.”

But let’s not avoid the real issue here. As a society, we objectify women, especially Bambi-types with extremely generous physical attributes. Adult games like “Hunting for Bambi” only strengthen such objectification, at the cost of alienating perfectly nice, smart, non-Bambi types (and mute girls). My solution to this kind of superficial object-making? We have to hire non-showgirl types to strip naked and allow themselves to be hunted by guys with paint guns. We can call it “Hunting for Betsy” or something less exotic-sounding. It’s about time the psychos in America got the chance to meet nice girls, the type who may not make the cover of Playboy magazine, but could very easily write and publish it.

Then we can shoot those girls in the ass. Reeeeaaaaaallll sexy.

WACKY WEDNESDAY:

We’re experiencing a bit of a lull this week at Bowne. Since Monday, it’s been slow-going, but that’s alright because it’s supposed to get much busier soon. That’s the way work goes; a few days/weeks where it’s 10-hour days, then a few days/weeks where we’re literally falling asleep at our stations.

So yesterday, my manager, XB, suggested that we techpool employees might want to schedule a day off, seeing as how such days will be rare in the coming month. Being a good wooden soldier, I volunteered to take mine today. So I spent the morning at home, made no money, rested up, etc. By about 11 am, I was dying of boredom. I used to indulge in this activity called “reading” back during my college and unemployed days. “Reading.” Sounds like a lotta hoodoo to me.

Speaking of hoodoo, I decided to give the DVD of “Angel Heart” I rented a spin. I didn’t have to get up early for work today, so I figured what the hell. My review follows:


THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER PRESENTS:

A review of “Angel Heart,” (1987) starring Mickey Rourke and Robert DeNiro. Directed by Alan Parker.

Louis Cyphre (DeNiro) wants to find somebody. It’s an old client of his, a crooner who went big-time before America entered the war against the Japs. This client took an injury, suffered shell-shock and amnesia. He’s currently in a psychiatric hospital in Harlem, stuck in an unresponsive, vegetative state. Or maybe he isn’t. Cyphre believes that his old client disappeared from the hospital years ago. So he wants this old client, Johnny Favorite, found. His interest, as he says, is “strictly financial.” If Johnny Favorite is still alive, he must honor the contract he signed with Mr. Cyphre.

In order to find Mr. Favorite, Mr. Cyphre hires Harry Angel, a Brooklyn-based private eye. Of all the private eyes in all the boroughs in New York, why Harry Angel? Is it because his last name starts with an “A,” so he would be the first down the list in the yellow pages? Harry has no idea why he has been offered the job. But with $5000 as a starting fee, he has no reason to turn it down.

Thus begins “Angel Heart,” which starts out as a detective story, but slowly submerges itself in a world of voodoo and nightmare. The film represents both Mickey Rourke and Alan Parker at about the peak of their respective careers. Rourke just came off “Year of the Dragon” and “9 ½ Weeks,” and Parker would direct “Mississippi Burning” a year later. He would receive a Best Director nomination for that film, which has a similar “poor South” visual look to this one.

Such technical and visual acheivements—natural-light cinematography, rotting wood art direction—are just about all “Angel Heart” has to recommend it. Actually, Rourke and DeNiro are also great. DeNiro pretty much eats up the screen, with his creepy gaze, long fingernails, and greasy, jet-black hair. The only thing oilier than DeNiro’s hair is Rourke when he starts to lose it at the end. The man develops more forehead sweat than Brando doing the Stanley Kowolski “Stella!” scene in an unventilated van.

But the movie lost me at the end. Strangely enough, the ending is the reason many fans of “Angel Heart” recommend it. It’s twisty, years before “The Sixth Sense” made twisty supernatural flicks en vogue. Ultimately, however, I don’t get whatever message Alan Parker’s trying to convey. Or maybe I do get it, and I just don’t like it.


SPOILER! Turn back if you plan to see this movie!

Harry Angel sold his soul to the Devil 12 years ago. But he got amnesia, so he doesn’t remember doing it. 12 years later, Satan reveals to him that once upon a time, he was Johnny Favorite. So now he has to give the Devil his soul.

My question is, if Harry Angel doesn’t remember being Johnny Favorite, how can he be held responsible for what Johnny Favorite did? He’s a different person now; he’s been a different person for more than a decade. Supposedly, Johnny Favorite was a real asshole, chasing skirts around, murdering a young boy. Until Alan Parker’s screenplay conveniently told me so, I never suspected Harry Angel could murder somebody. Remember his conversation with Cyphre: He wants to stay as far away from murder as possible.

Did Harry Angel murder the morphine-addict doctor, or Johnny Favorite’s old flame, or his own daughter. When he asks Cyphre, “Did I really kill them?” Cyphre’s response is, “Yes, under my direction.” That means Cyphre killed them, not Harry!

This movie left me wholly unsatisfied. It’s visually well-done, but I feel it ignored a chance to really be complex, even thought-provoking. An episode of The Simpsons is more thought-provoking. Remember the episode where Lisa tells Bart, “Many… religions believe that nobody is born with a soul. It can only be acquired through suffering and prayer.” “Angel Heart” is never smart enough to inquire about the condition of its protagonist’s soul. All that matters in the end is that Harry goes to Hell.

If Hell means an eternity rewatching the ending of "Angel Heart," I truly, truly feel for the guy.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Greetings, true believers!

Certain parties have asked me to submit writings to Octopus Army. I was planning to compose this short story, "The Dead Language," for this month's "Ancient Civilizations"-themed issue. Unfortunately, I felt very lazy this weekend, so I only wrote the first part. I should probably write the rest, but I figure, "Ah, who cares?" Anyway, here it is. Hope you find it to be a laugh riot!

Excelsior!

"The Dead Language:"

Jiang Ho was only five years old when he arrived in Rhode Island on a boat with his parents. Ho’s parents had emigrated from a small province in northern China, where they had been shopkeepers. They had had money. But everyone in their small village, especially Ho’s parents, knew what the Cultural Revolution meant: It meant the Communist government was going to seize their shop. It meant Ho’s parents were going to lose their money. So they escaped to America rather than stay and lose everything.

Ho’s parents smuggled gold out of northern China through a family friend whom they had known all their lives. The friend arrived in America on a ship before them, then disappeared with all the gold he had been entrusted with. Ho’s parents were able to smuggle a little gold by themselves. The gold paid for passage to the nearest large city, a small shop, and an apartment. Ho’s parents chose to settle in New York—Chinatown, specifically—out of hope they would find others from their small village. They encountered no one they could recognize. Yet they stayed, mainly because there was no money left to travel elsewhere.

Father Ho made shoes in the shop he purchased. It had been his profession in the old country; it remained his profession in the new one. He barely made enough money to keep his family from being tossed into the streets. So when his son, Jiang Ho, was about eight years old, he was already working seven nights a week as a kitchen helper in a neighborhood restaurant. He earned fifty cents a night.

The profession of shoemaker would have been Jiang Ho’s profession, as it was traditionally passed down from father to son. Along with the craft of shoemaking, also passed down to Jiang Ho was the written and spoken language of his parents’ native village. It had been very particular to that small province, this dialect called Moyungese. It was so regional, in fact, that outside the tiny village from which Ho’s parents originated, no other peoples in China spoke or wrote Moyungese. When the

Cultural Revolution swept across China in 19__, the few teachers who taught Moyungese were imprisoned and executed. All the villagers who had learned the dialect had to either unlearn it, or die in work camps. Very quickly, Moyungese, for all extensive purposes, died out and was forgotten. Yet Jiang Ho’s parents persisted in teaching him this “dead language,” even though no one in the new land appeared to understand it.

While still young, Jiang Ho tried to attend American schools. But his English was always poor, even worse than the other immigrants. He was unable to excel and rarely did any of his homework. Also, he worked his job until late, and when he would arrive home, his parents were unconcerned about his performance in American schools. They were more concerned with sitting him down at the kitchen table, putting ink and paper before him and a brush in his hand, and spending hours watching him inscribe characters in Moyungese. Or they would make him recite a multitude of words, exploring all six of the different Moyungese tones and whacking his hand with a hairbrush if his pitch was slightly off. This routine would go on well past midnight, until two or three in the morning at times. How carefully they would watch his hand! How they would scold him or hit him if he drew east-to-west when he should have drawn west-to-east.

And yet, wasn’t Moyungese now a dead language? Even at its most prolific, no more than a few thousand people were versed in it. But from the point of view of Jiang Ho’s parents, the demise of Moyungese in its native land made it all the more important that it live on in their son. Their motivation for passing it down was no different from their motivation for having a son: it was all about maintaining a line through the generations. As long as the language continued to live, in someone, it could never truly be a dead language. To them, the prospect of perpetuity rationalized everything.

Jiang Ho went on to inherit his father’s small shop. He became a shoemaker, maintaining that line another generation as well. Unfortunately, Jiang Ho was not a very good shoemaker. Shortly after Father Ho died, which, in turn, occurred a few short years after Mother Ho died, Ho sold the shop, and used the money to rent a slightly nicer apartment in the same part of Chinatown. He kept his childhood job at the neighborhood restaurant. The tasks there, though menial, provided for his living

While the fine art of shoemaking may have eluded Ho, the lifelong apprenticeship at the hands of Father Ho had other lasting effects. Too much isolation in a world of long hours, dull and difficult work, and the daily bombardment of Moyungese, left him permanently ruined for the English language. His brain could never quite grasp it, and it was only with much concentration that he could express a few trite English phrases: “Hello.” “Goodbye.” “Small coffee, cream and sugar.”

Nor was Jiang Ho’s skill with other Chinese dialects much better. While the most common Sino-dialects seem to share the same written alphabet, much depends on geographical distance. And even discounting distance, written dialects vary. It was common, after mainland China opened itself up for trade with the western world, for new symbols to be introduced very quickly into the dialect of port cities, and only gradually make their way into dialects further inland. In the case of Moyungese, the province in which it originated was isolated in the mountains—deeply inland. As a result, it evolved—or did not evolved—into the most backwards of all the progeny dialects spawned from the ancient Chinese father language.

In short, not only did Jiang Ho fail to comprehend English, he did not speak or write the common Chinese languages, either. Living in Chinatown, Ho was surrounded by speech and symbols that were alien to him. He grew into the most isolated of men, though to look at him, one would think: “Here is where he belongs.” It was very difficult for him to make friends, so he had none. Nor did he ever marry, for whom could he make appeals of marriage to and be understood? The years passed after his parents’ deaths, and still Ho worked in the restaurant. He was often tempted to go look for another job, or to return to school (He had dropped out at age 11.) But he could not apply for a better job, nor reply to return to school, since the applications were printed in languages he could not understand. By the time Jiang Ho began to feel wistful for the life that had been wasted, he was middle-aged and tired. His brain had become a dry stone that water could no longer seep into.

When Ho turned fifty, his parents had been dead for some time. Yes, he was still a master of Moyungese, and spent hours every day, more out of habit than desire, drawing diligently with brush and ink. Was there any point to the writing anymore? Ho knew no one in the modern world who could read Moyungese. Yet a lifetime had been spent perfecting the art of this code. The cost of this tiny scrap of knowledge was any chance of a life in the larger world. Ho would not dare travel beyond the ten square blocks that were familiar to him, fearing that if he did, he might never find his way back. And so his life became a pitiable one, the burden of his loneliness causing his chest to cave and shoulders to slump. He was not even approaching old age, not really, yet there was a stoop in his step wherever he happened to walk.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

The weekend was full of big news headlines (“Kerry Kennedy Cuomo separates from husband Andrew Cuomo!” “Civil war in Liberia!” “Too many cookies are bad for you!”)

These were movies I watched over the past weekend. Or perhaps, they were watching ME. (Dah-dah-DAAAHHHH!)


THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER:

“Akira,” directed by Katsushiro Otomo. “The Ring,” directed by Gore Verbinski.

I admire “Akira” a great deal. The animation is amazing, the main characters have much greater depth than the average cartoon, and I sense that the creator/director, Otomo, is actually trying to convey something to us. Do I have any idea what this message is supposed to resemble? I think it has something to do with nuclear holocaust, mixed with some social commentary regarding the youth of Japan.

Or maybe it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

I’m more comfortable thinking of “Akira” as an animated distant-cousin to Kubrick’s “2001”; both films contain stunning visuals. I could not understand either “Akira” or “2001” after my first viewing, but there is no doubt that the experience of watching the films was compelling. Something drew me in and kept me fascinated until the ending credits rolled.

This is not to say that I think “Akira” is an out-and-out classic. Here’s a big gripe, and it may smack of sacrilege: I think Otomo gets off on the ill-treatment of women. The cute girlfriend of Tetsuo gets her shirt ripped up by motorbike gangsters, and Otomo shows it in all its grotesque glory. He also takes his time showing her getting punched in the face. Later in the film, Otomo shows her die in a really gruesome way.

Yes, there’s a lot of death in this movie, to all sorts of characters, but Otomo clearly has a double standard. What about Kaneda and Tetsuo’s biker-mate? Tetsuo supposedly kills him, but it’s never shown on screen. What’s up, Otomo? Don’t tell me you thought showing HIM being offed would be too extreme, or in too much bad taste.

There’s also the subtitling. While the “Akira” DVD I have is, in fact, a Japanese import, my God, I hope other versions of this film have better subtitles. As far as my version goes, it seems like they translated the Japanese directly to English, without dealing with the different syntaxes. My favorite two incomprehensible lines, which keep reappearing throughout the movie, are:

(1) “What is wrong with you on Earth?” and

(2) “Don’t be so prolix!”

I looked up the word prolix in my handy Oxford paperback. It means “wordy.” I can only imagine that, if this were an English dub, they would be saying things like “You talk too much!” or “Shut up!” Maybe that’s all they were trying to say—“Shut up!” You’ve got to hand it to the Japanese; even their rude insults are enshrouded in politeness.

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As for “The Ring,” I liked it right up until the final twenty minutes. What were those last twenty minutes for? Sequel money, best I can figure. Has anyone out there seen the original “Ringu?” Did it have a twist ending as well, or were the big brains at Dreamworks influenced a wee bit too much by “The Sixth Sense?”

All I can say about this movie is: It was so un-scary that I had to put a sheet over the TV when I went to sleep the nights after, because it’s right across from my bed. But why, I ask you, did “The Ring” have to have the “big twist” ending? I don’t so much hate “Sixth Sense” rip-offs as much as I hate surprise endings that make the previous 110 minutes totally make no sense. I got into an argument with the person I was watching the movie with over this, and it went something like:

-So if nothing has changed from the beginning of the movie, what was the point of Naomi Watts going into the well?

-Samara tricked her into freeing her. Now she can go around killing people.

-But she was already killing people at the beginning of the film.

-… Shut up, Phil. It was only a movie.

And at that moment, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo and I knew it would never work out. We went our separate ways. So much for my dream of marrying into that most prestigious of American political families. Not that I’m bitter. I’m too busy catching up on sleep.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

YOU CAN CRAM IT FULL OF DILDOES, SOUR-PUSS!

God, I hate my boss. However, since I need money to pay my bills, I will refer to my awful boss as "May Badweather," a suitable pseudonym, seeing as (1) Her first name also coincides with a month of the year, and (2) She seemingly has a dark cloud hovering above her head at all times.

As far as I can tell, May Badweather's job requires her to be an absolute nuisance to everyone at techpool. Everyone hates her, especially XB, the project manager. She refers to May as "that woman," e.g. "There's no talking to that woman." This complaint arose after May instituted new schedules for the upcoming peak season.

According to the new techpool schedules, we all must work 9-hour shifts, either 10-7, or 11-8. Sounds awful at first, but not totally groan-inducing, once you consider the overtime possibilities, correct? Wrong. Miss Badweather requires that everyone take a one-hour break, meaning no more than 8 hours of work per day. Should you feel you don't require a break, Miss Badweather has no problem with you working through that extra hour--you simply won't get paid for it.

And yet, yesterday I arrived at the office around 9:30, a half-hour early for my shift. I needed to make a phone call to Rutgers, so I did, on my own personal phone. Suddenly, May Badweather storms in, interrupting my personal phone call, and asks why I haven't begun work on the files. I begin to explain that I have arrived early, the other members of techpool aren't in yet, and my shift does not technically start until 10. May Badweather made it perfectly clear that as long as I am in the office, I am expected to work--even if my shift hasn't started yet. She did not mention whether I would be paid for my extra time, nor did I mention the real reason I hadn't begun working outside my official schedule--I believed she would cheat me out of time. But off to work I went (sort of), mentally cursing May Badweather with surprising creativity.

Maybe her bitchiness would be slightly more forgivable if she was a decent manager. But she isn't. She's like a bureaucrat out of a Joseph Heller novel, a selfish crackpot who is ultimately a useless cog. She may offer big ideas like these 9-hour shifts, but we don't need them. Techpool finished all the work by 2 o-clock, then we all sat around bored. So much for the new shifts providing the versatility we need for this upcoming peak season.

What myself, techpool, and the universe requires, more than creative shift-making, is an explanation why May Badweather is such a bitch. Others who have worked for the wonderful Bowne have told me that underneath her experior bitchiness, May is a total sweetheart. Lies! Lies! Lies! If I am certain of anything, it is that underneath her bitchy exterior, beats the icy heart of an angry, bloodsucking super-bitch!

But why is this so? Since I am a male, and therefore I assume the universe revolves around my phallus, I conclude that Miss Badweather hasn't had sex in a long time. If it would make her a better manager, I would offer to cram the dildo myself, but amazingly, this would make me lose respect for her. You'd think this impossible, given how few dregs of respect I still have for her now, but I would. So I have to take my plight to the public, and ask for your assistance. Should any of you, whilst in a bar, a cafe, feeding small mice to snakes, etc., encounter a 5-foot-2 woman who is the manager of Desktop Publishing for Bowne Communications, and has a month for a first name, do everything possible to have sex with her. Do it for me. Do it for the poor employees subject to her tyrannical rule. For God's sake, do it for your country. Thank you.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

RESTORE AMIR BARAKA!

Let the plight of former New Jersey poet-laureate Amir Baraka be a lesson to you: Never offer a dissenting opinion (at least not out loud) in this supposedly “free” country of ours. Do so at your own risk—to both your reputation as an artist and to your bank account.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the story, and such should be no surprise, given the white media’s reflexive tendencies to obscure, if not completely cover-up, injustices to the black man, Amir Baraka (born LeRoi Jones) was appointed New Jersey poet laureaute a year ago. Initially, the choice to confer upon Baraka the highest state honor for a literary artist caused a great hoopla. This was the man, after all, who conceived, then inscribed, such incendiary works as “Fuck you Chinese People” (“Squinty-eyed midget men/ Women haired tied in a bun/ Git on that first boat back to China/ An’ don’t ferget yer wonton.”) and “Real Black Folk is Stupid” (“Fuck you educated black man/Throw yo books out the do’/ You ain’t no real black man/ ‘Less you dumb an’ po.’”)

Are the previous stanzas controversial? Of course they are. But one cannot deny the passion clearly evidenced in Amir Baraka’s poems. As a black man (I would have mentioned this earlier, but I never wanted race to—pardon the pun—“color” the argument.) trying to make his way in this racist world of ours, I can sympathize to the sort of mindset exemplified in “Real Black Folk is Stupid.” Smart people truly terrify me. I never graduated high school, I work fifty hours a week at the local Burger King, and the thought of anybody—you, for example—accomplishing anything with your life, fills me with a burning rage. It’s not enough of a rage to make me want to work harder, crack open a book, and not sit around all day whining that money and opportunities ain’t dropping in my lap. But it makes me angry enough to steal your hubcaps, son!

If I have to live the rest of my life in this urine-smellin’ ghetto, full of pimps and Puerto Rican street gangs, why can’t you all do the same? I’m poor. Be poor with me. Those last two lines are my credo, and Amir Baraka, more than other supposedly great writers such as Eric Jerome Dickey, and football wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson, understands that.

Much of the criticism ladled upon Amir Baraka, at the time poet laureate status was first conferred upon him, was that he spoke only for “extremely angry black men.” He certainly speaks to me as an extremely angry black man. However, I, and many of Baraka’s supporters, would argue that his poems and writings reflect an overlooked universality. Who hasn’t walked through the streets of Chinatown and wanted to tell the various immigrant Chinamen to go back to China, and not to forget their wonton? Baraka writes of the great, dark truths which we refuse to acknowledge, because they are politically incorrect, or, as his uninformed critics attest, belonging only to the ignorant and racist. Well, let me say this to you, critics who would label Amir Baraka, and those, like me, who actively read, study, and participate in his works, as ignorant racists: We may be a group of ignorant racists in your eyes, but if there is one thing we can be proud of, it is that we are not Chinese.

Amir Baraka, having received poet laureate status from the state of New Jersey, composed a poem in response to the terrorist attacks on New York City on September 11th, 2001. Entitled “Someone Blew Up America,” it hypothesized that terrorists from Arab countries did not perpetrate the World Trade Center attack. On the contrary, Baraka blames the attack on a white-supremecist conspiracy. Far-fetched? Let us examine the bare facts:

(1) Several hundred Jews were employed in the World Trade Center, prior to Sept. 11th, 2001.

(2) To this day, only 7 individuals of Jewish descent have been accounted among the WTC victims.

To explain the mysterious disappearance of the several hundred Jewish employees, racist white politicians have fallen back on the age-old excuse that “many of the bodies pulled from the WTC wreckage were incinerated to the point where they simply could not be identified.” Anyone knows that’s just another way of saying, “The Jews were all safe in their fancy upper East side neighborhoods, sipping cocktails while all the colored people burned.”

New Jersey’s racist white government immediately called for Amir Baraka to either rescind his opinion or resign. Not only did Baraka refuse to resign, but he openly defended his white supremecist conspiracy theory. As a reporter for “Word: Da News on the Street” web site, I did my own independent investigation into the sources cited by Amir Baraka. The sources consisted primarily of Travis Jessup, the self-appointed “Sole Black Nazi” of the northeastern United States, and Jason Winthrop, a 52 year-old retired shipyard worker who often hung around Nellie’s Barber Shop in East Camden, where Baraka also got his hair cut on occasion.

Jason Winthrop was a man of few words. Part of the reason behind that paucity of words was an apparent relapse into alcoholism. However, Winthrop did manage to emerge into lucidity for a brief interval to enlighten me.

“The Jews, man. Fuckin… You know, it’s ‘cos of them, uh, there ain’t no big-time black actors in Hollywood.”

Before I could interject, Winthrop added, “You ever Jurassic Park?” I nodded.

“Why is it all the dinosaurs is played by blacks?”

I thought for a moment. I could offer no easy answer for him except, “I think they used computers to animate the—“

But Winthrop was adamant in his argument. “Ain’t no white boy computer playin’ no T-Rex! You ever heard a white man call hisself ‘T-rex?’ It a black man nickname!” Then he cursed the Jews some more before politely shoving me out of the way so he could go into the alley behind the barber shop. I heard vomiting sounds, and eagerly expected his imminent return. But he must have had other important business to attend to, for he stayed in the alley.

Clearly, Amir Baraka’s sources for his white supremecist conspiracy theory are beyond reproach. Yet, faced with Baraka’s refusal to back down from his constitutional right to free speech, as well as his refusal to resign his position as poet laureate, New Jersey governer Jim McGreevey decided to dissolve the state poet laureate title altogether. The message here is: If New Jersey can’t have no poet laureate who knows his place, they won’t be no poet laureate at all.

Along with eliminating his job, the state has also refused to pay Baraka his $10,000 annual prize for having held the public position over the last year. Worse yet, Amir Baraka’s reputation has now been tarnished by slanderous accusations of racism. No state will consider him a poet laureate candidate now, and Baraka will have to embarrassingly explain to his next employer why “New Jersey poet laureate” appears on his resume, but no, he would prefer you didn’t call them.

Ladies and gentlemen, do not let this injustice go on! Why is it that cops in New York City can appear in a public parade wearing blackface, and pantomime the lynching of a black man for fun, and not only keep their jobs, but receive back pay? You could argue that the city is challenging the courts to not have to pay these racists, and that ex-mayor Rudolph Giuliani has called them a public disgrace, and is fighting to keep them off the police force. But clearly, what we have in this situation is the usual “White government protects write racists.” Enough of this hypocrisy! Fight to get Amir Baraka his position back! Write to your congressman! March on the New Jersey governer’s office! And for God’s sake, boycott all Jurassic Park movies!

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

So I turn on the T.V. the other night, and the first thing I see is the news. Guess what’s the lead story in the 11 o’clock edition? Police shooting in Brooklyn. Some scuzz-bucket attacks an officer with a knife, manages to stab him before the officer whips out his gun and blasts him. Seems pretty cut and dry, wouldn’t you say? Whack-job attacks cop, eats bullet. Even Al Sharpton would’ve had no problem with it—as long as the stabber wasn’t black.

Then why all the media attention? I find it hard to believe, with the United States on the brink of declaring war on Iraq, that the most pressing news item of the day is a police officer doing his job. I worked in Barnes & Noble for a year back in Miami. I didn’t make the 11 o’clock every time I rang up a customer. Of course, Channel 5 news made sure to note that this is the FOURTH time this week a cop has shot down a perpetrator.

I think I see what’s going on here. The good folks at Channel 5 News (not to mention the other news shows, which also gave the incident unnecessary importance) were trying to warn criminals: Don’t even TRY to break the law, *ssholes! The cops’ve already chalked up four this week, and they’re more eager to add notches than Pavorotti to his belt after a big meal! See? The media’s just trying to help the cops.

I suppose that could be the truth. ABC is about to do another season of that show where desperate chicks compete to marry some rich guy, so I guess anything’s possible. But more likely, the news shows were preying on certain ethnic groups’ beliefs, that all cops are trigger-happy Charles Bronson types.

And that, of course, isn’t true. Sure, there are bad cops out there, such as Volpe, Suarez, and those other latent homosexuals who brutalized Abner Louima. Not to mention disgraced ex-cop Joseph Gray. Whatever bar you’re sitting in right now, Joe, not only should you have apologized to the fragmented remains of that family you obliterated, you should’ve also expressed remorse for not being able to eat your gun like a good Roman soldier.

Meanwhile, just as cops aren’t all bad, not all of them walk on the side of angels, either. Look up the old Rodney King case, or… uh, go rent “Strange Days.” But in a situation such as the kind reported yesterday, we need as much clarification as a window in Howard Hughes’ bedroom (I imagine any windows there would be pretty clear.) The cop who got stabbed was responding to reports of a domestic disturbance. Use the old hardwood rules; think of him as a ref. It does not matter if the people creating the disturbance did not think of it as a disturbance. You do not argue the ref’s call. Certainly, you do not go at him with a knife.

Apparently, a few nights ago in Brooklyn, not only did the ref toss one of the players from the game. He tossed him from the league; he tossed him from the sport. In the end, however, the ref was just doing his job. The matter should have been left alone. Maybe T.V. networks will practice more restraint once those desperate bachelorettes return.

Okay, so this Brooklyn woman’s on the news today, saying “The cops shot my boy! He wadn’t armed or nothin!” It went down like this: She and her son get into an argument over who can use the phone. It gets ugly; the boy starts brandishing a knife. The woman’s boyfriend, also in the apartment, dials 9-1-1, says “He’s got a knife! I’m gonna have to shoot him if you don’t get down here!” Cops arrive on scene. They shoot the boy, who according to cops, was still armed with knife. Boy is taken to hospital, where he dies.

I find it extremely offensive to listen to this Brooklyn woman making the cops out to be villains, while painting a halo over her obviously mentally-unstable family.

“You think they come to protect people. This was a family dispute. They had no reason to kill him,” she said to the New York Post.

If this was strictly a private matter, why did her boyfriend have to call police? Why did he have to plead for help? “He’s got a knife! I’m gonna have to shoot him if you don’t get down here!” Is that secret code for “Hi, we’re having a family dispute. No reason for you cops to swing by?”

Maybe it’s because I’m not Al Sharpton, and I don’t plan to run for political office in the near-future. But I don’t think the NYPD are so incompetently trained that they have to shoot an unarmed suspect in order to bring him down. Yes, someone was killed that night. But judging by the boyfriend’s messages to police—which included “Gonna kill this motherf*cker. He cut me and he’s trying to stab his mother”—the boy probably represented a legitimate threat when the cop arrived.

IF LIFE WAS FAIR, the NYPD would respond to the grieving mother in the following manner: “Hey lady, you don’t want us to interfere in your domestic disputes? Next time you call us, we won’t bother showing up.”

OH GOD, THE BRITISH: According to a recent poll conducted in Great Britain, the death of Princess Diana was a more important historical event than—remember, this is the British talking—World War II. Anyone else a little uneasy with having these blokes as military allies?

I figured, what better way to spend a Friday evening than renting some films by Hong Kong commercial cinema god Tsui Hark.

I should state in advance that, for the longest time, I wasn’t exactly enamored with the guy’s work. “Double Team:” saw it a few months ago on NBC for free. Didn’t have to pay for it, but still felt I got the bad end of the bargain. A few months prior, while I was visiting Miami, USA showed “Knock-Off.” As Hong Kong films go, I guess there have been worse. But I found myself burning a candle for Paul Sorvino’s career afterward.

Once upon a time in BAM Cinemas, there was a showing of “Once Upon a Time in China,” Hark’s 1991 martial arts flick. I looked up reviews prior to seeing it. Village Voice tossed raves like confetti. Various critics called it “a masterpiece,” “a classic,” “better than ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.’” So I went to see “Once Upon a Time…” It was not better than “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” On the contrary, I found it near incoherent—a collection of action sequences barely connected by plot. Also, it’s terribly conventional. Hark’s movie is replete with the annoying comic relief elements of most martial arts films. Finally, the fight scenes lack the grace of Ang Lee’s film, and they kept cueing this annoying snake flute tune—the “Wong Fei-Hung” theme song, I guess—whenever the hero showed up to kick something. The whole enterprise felt like a bad TV movie.

The only other Tsui Hark film I saw afterward was “The Chinese Feast.” I really did not mind that one. It had great cinematography, giant fish slapstick, and a motorcycle chase choreographed to “La Traviata.” That’s something only an above-average filmmaker would envision. After seeing “The Chinese Feast,” I actually started to think “Hmm. Maybe this Tsui Hark guy isn’t the complete hack I thought he was.” “Time and Tide” convinced me he wasn’t. I don’t know if Hark edits his own movies, but he makes Michael Bay and Baz Luhrmann’s films look like the opening shot from Orson Welles’ “Touch of Evil.” And I’m almost certain Hark was trying to tell us something with “Time and Tide.” Damned if I can decipher it, but the film is way too ambitious to be just another make-a-buck quickie.

So against all odds, Hark has managed to join the select pantheon of directors whose work I follow religiously. The list includes such iconoclasts as Scorcese, Jeunet, Kar-Wai, Lynch, Wes Anderson, and others. Such devotion brought me to my local video store last night, where I rented sequels to some of the more popular (or is it populist?) Hark movies.

“A Better Tomorrow 3” is the third in the series Hark produced, but John Woo directed. Meanwhile, “Once Upon a Time… 2” continues the adventures of Wong Fei-Hung, China’s Captain America.

THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER

“A Better Tomorrow 3: Love and Death in Saigon” (1989) “Once Upon a Time in China 2” (1992)—both movies directed by Tsui Hark. Reviewed by Phil X.

“A Better Tomorrow 3” is a prequel to the Woo flicks of ’86 and ’87. The Chow Yun-Fat character has yet to become a gangster type. In fact, he doesn’t arrive in Vietnam to do any trenchcoat-twirling or two-handed gun shooting at all. He’s here to help his uncle and cousin escape Vietnam before the stinking Communist Chinese take it over.

I thoroughly enjoyed the first hour of this movie. It’s less of an action film than an adventure flick. ABT3 also offers a perspective of the Vietnam War rarely seen: that of the Chinese who had to high-tail it once the stinking Communist Chinese invaded.

The movie does offer a plot to go with its political trappings. Fat’s character Mark Gor and his cousin Mun team up with a female arms dealer. They sell gold to a corrupt general for money to get out of the country. There are some stunts, but nothing completely unbelievable. Naturally, as they are preparing to leave Vietnam, the trio bonds. The beautiful arms dealer starts teaching Fat how to shoot guns, etc.

I really wish Hark had kept the movie on this track: Fat’s character slowing becoming a cold-blooded gangster type. Like an eastern version of Michael Corleone. What makes the movie frustrating is that the blueprint for the transformation is there. Hark just screws it up.

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Gor and Mun are back in Hong Kong for only a short time before disaster strikes. The beautiful female arms dealer’s old lover, some triad boss, tries to kill them all. The female arms dealer feels guilty, leaves HK for ‘Nam. Gor and Mun follow, partly to find the arms dealer, whom they are both in love with, but also for revenge. They split up, with Mun first encountering the dealer. A gunfight breaks out between them and the stinking Communist Chinese militia. Mun and the female arms dealer escape, and many stinking Communist Chinese militia die.

To me, that scene is where the movie went wrong. Gor, not Mun, should’ve met the arms dealer. Mun was already a criminal when the story began. Gor, on the other hand, didn’t know how to fire a gun, and only in recent months become more adept at it. What the character—and the film—needed was the pivotal scene where Gor sheds blood for the first time, preferably stinking Communist Chinese militia blood, and lots of it. Like the scene in “The Godfather” where Al Pacino shoots the Irish cop and that ratty Salatzo guy. ABT3 needed a point where audiences clearly realize, “HERE is where Gor’s life changes. With THIS act of violence, his innocence is lost forever.” The Gor character should’ve been the one at the gunfight.

After this particular scene, the wheels just come spinning off. Everything Gor does afterward seems contrived and forced. Not that my way would’ve made everything sensible—there’s a lot of unbelievable stuff that happens in the second hour—but it would’ve given Gor a more complete emotional arc. The way it stands now, he goes from meek baby to Superman almost instantaneously. And trust me, that’s not hyperbole. He definitely proves himself more powerful than a locomotive.

The other main flaw is the villain, the shady triad boss who pops up midway through the flick. I kept wondering, What motivated this guy to try and kill our heroes? There are hints that he absolutely hates the Vietnamese emigrants. Naturally, he’d hate Gor and Mun more, because they’re Vietnamese emigrees who used HIS connections to make their way out. God, I hope those were the character’s motivation, because they’re way cooler than the standard, “You stole my girl! Die! Die! DIE!!!”

I want to reiterate that I really, really, REALLY wanted to love this movie. Especially after the first half. The scenes involving the customs office are the most memorable scenes in the film. Gor, Mun, and their uncle get repeatedly abused by the corrupt scumsucking Communist Chinese customs agents. At one point, in the first assertion of his latent manhood, Gor fights back, which is what anyone should do when faced by a scumsucking Communist Chinese customs agent—especially if it’s here in America.

Hark provides an amazingly satisfying shot: slow-motion, of a nightstick end being firmly thrust into the stomach of the Head scumsucking Communist Chinese customs agent. More pessimistic movie-goers will probably find it unrealistic how the beautiful female arms dealer immediately swoops in and saves Gor’s life. Me, I didn’t mind. I viewed the entire scene as an allegory. Stand up against scumsucking Communists, and you can win. The scene also supported a truth I’ve always believed: A scumsucking Communist Chinese pig, dressed in a uniform sanctioned by a scumsucking Communist Chinese government, is still a scumsucking pig.

John Woo, lauded filmmaker that he is, never told that message so effectively.


(Due to the fact that this review has gone on for really, really long, THE RELUCTANT FILM CRITIC’S CORNER’S critique of “Once Upon a Time in China 2” will appear in a future post. We apologize for any inconvenience.)

This morning, I was on the Q-train going into Manhatten, when somebody collapsed. I didn't see him collapse at first. I was on one side of the car, leaning against a door. The passenger was on the opposite end. I don't think anybody much noticed him falling down. Another passenger—a friend of the collapsed man, or perhaps just the guy standing next to him—suddenly stood straight up and asked "Does anybody know first aid?" He asked two or three times. Apparently, no one on the train knew. I didn't know either, although, a long time ago, I learned some basic CPR moves from a health class in high school. But I don't eat out very often, so I never had the chance to try them. Anyway, I don't think the man in the subway car was choking on anything. From what I've seen in movies, people who are choking usually struggle before losing consciousness. They flail their arms. They pound their chests and utter sounds like Boris Karloff in "The Mummy." I don't think the man on the subway was choking. I think he quietly lost consciousness for some other reason.

So everyone stood around looking helpless. I guess none of us knew first aid. If I did know first aid, I think I would have helped. I also think I would have helped if the man had been choking. There isn't a lot that I learned in high school, but I did learn some basic CPR moves. We had health class in a big auditorium where all the desks had chewing gum stuck underneath them. Grayish wads of chewing gum, meaning they were old. They weren't sticky anymore, and only slightly malleable. Like block erasers art students use.

We would learn CPR, then test on these little plastic dummies. We learned CPR for both grown-ups and babies. When we tested, we drew at random for either the big plastic man, or the little plastic baby. I got to test on the little plastic baby. I did something wrong during my test. I turned the plastic baby down onto its face. I also pulled the arms back a certain way, that if it had been a real baby, I'm sure I would have broke its arms. Maybe I would have killed it. I guess I hadn't paid as much attention as I should have. I ended up with a "C+" on the exam.

I felt really bad the next couple of days. Not because I got a bad grade on the exam, but because I kept thinking, if the little plastic baby had been a real baby, it would be dead now. So I went to talk to the health teacher about it; actually, I wanted her to test me again. I wanted her to show me what I had done wrong, and what I should have done.

The health teacher let me into her office during lunch break. She was always nice—not to mention funny. She was very short, and she walked like a little kid. And because of her height, she spoke with a high, helium voice. Her class was the funniest during the week she taught sex ed. She told us about her own sex life. We had to keep our laughter to ourselves, which was hard, especially when she told us how the only man she'd ever been with was Mr. Health Teacher. The way the laughter expanded inside me, pressing against my insides as I tried to hold it in, made me feel like a balloon about to burst. The laughter kept growing and growing, every time I had to imagine Mr and Mrs Health Teacher doing it together...!

That afternoon in her office, I asked her,

"Mrs. Health Teacher, would you show me what I did wrong on the exam?"

And she said, "Sure, Jason. Let me get the CPR dummy out of the closet."

She unlocked the wooden cabinet that stood against the wall on one side of the room. As she swung the doors open, I saw containers of bandages and thermometers. Racks of thermometers resembled test-tubes, standing at attention in their places on the shelves. There were unopened rolls of paper towels, and boxes of paper plates and plastic tableware. Clear vats of green and orange dish detergent gave off a dull, lollypop glow. The health teachers taught home ec on alternate semesters. In the bottom shelf, beneath all the kitchen and medical supplies, sat a big plastic bag. Mrs. Health Teacher removed the bag and shut the cabinet doors behind her.

The bag was clear plastic; I could make out the objects inside: little baby dolls. Little CPR dummies. Whoever used them last had tossed them in without a care. The arms and legs were left in various poses. I could see little hands and feet poking out from the insides of the bag. The tiny toes and fingertips stretched the plastic without breaking it.

When I saw them—all those CPR baby dummies inside the bag—for a moment, I thought they were real babies! For a moment, I was terrified. They looked so lifelike. I couldn't help thinking it was a sack of real babies. Drowned, dead babies, their bodies yet to be discarded. It was only after staring at them for a while, that I got used to them and the terror subsided. Something else took its place. A different kind of thought. As if the cabinet doors were thrown open again, as if I saw the things on the shelves again for the first time. Strange, exciting—this new thought in my head.

I saw an image in my mind, of the little CPR dummies replaced by the real thing. A dozen faces, only less plastic now. And bleached out. I could see eyes staring back at me. They weren't so different from the little dummy eyes. Still eyes. Eyes that never blinked or twitched. Even as Mrs Health Teacher went on and on about what I did wrong, what I should've done, my mind was no longer focused there. Suddenly, I realized, it didn't matter what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter what I had or hadn't killed. The death which I'd committed, in a dark room with only my fears watching, was nothing compared to the death that was everywhere else. That one doll, its arms bent back, was just another dead face in a plastic bag full of them. Bleached faces, all of them. Eyes that never blinked or twitched. Mrs Health Teacher went on and on, but I had long since stopped listening.

Standing against the door of the subway now. A little face looking up at me. Eyes that don’t blink or twitch for the longest time. And a voice from the other side of the car,

“Does anybody know first aid? Does anybody know first aid?”

The little boy’s face staring up at me, skin bleached white with fear.

“Don’t worry,” I whisper softly to him. “Him—he’s just… Don’t listen to any of it.”

And I see the doll again, staring up at me through plastic, as the friend of the collapsed man—or was he just the guy standing next to him?—asks again, “Does anybody know first aid?” And I see the doll’s face again as the murmurs of concern start to ebb across the car. Fear that is tangible enough to feel. And I see the doll’s face again as that voice from across the glut of commuters says “He’s choking on something! He’s choking! Does anyone know CPR?” I shrug the doll’s face out of my mind. I can feel the train pulling into the station.

And I’m out the door, already up the stairs, as the voice in the background asks again and again, “Does anyone know CPR? Does anyone know CPR?”

I wish I could say what happened after that, whether the collapsed man got help, whether he choked to death—I wish I could say something. But I had long since stopped listening.

A supposedly suicidal man tried to throw himself from the Henry Hudson Bridge last Thursday. According to the Post, Eddie Kassem, 28, of the Bronx, “did chin-ups” off the edge of the bridge’s slippery infrastructure, and even dangled himself “by one leg.”

Now, I would never say that it’s disappointing to hear Eddie Kassem still alive. However, I am very much disappointed by the insincere manner in which this SUPPOSEDLY suicidal man tried to make his life insurance company pony up. The rescue—the police did manage to rescue him—took TWO-and-A-HALF HOURS! Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re standing at the verge of a several-hundred foot drop, shouldn’t it take much less than the run-time of “The Thin Red Line” to meet Joe Black face-to-face? All Mr. Kassem had to do was re-enact the first step of the “hokey-pokey:” “Ya put your right foot in…”

Obviously, Mr. Kassem had no real intentions towards the long goodbye. It might have just been stress that pushed him—literally—to the edge. According to the Post article, Mr. Kassem “was upset because he’d just been released from jail—and thought he was headed back because a woman filed a criminal complaint against him.”

Naturally, we could blame our all-too-unyielding criminal justice system for Mr. Kassem’s despair. This is, after all, the same system that gave the young men who brutalized and nearly murdered the Central Park jogger a decade ago ONLY FIVE YEARS IN JAIL EACH! And they say French penologists are harsh! Sure, let us rage against our society’s contemptible code for punishing those who transgress over the rules of social order! Oh, please. Spare me, you left-wing extremists! I’m certain we can all agree that the REAL culprit behind Mr. Kassem’s suicide attempt is the same cancerous growth which has eaten at the marrow of western civilization for decades: Dirty, lazy hippies!

Clearly, Mr. Kassem was only POSING as a desperate, suicidal man. And who originated and made popular the poser mentality? Hippies, that’s who! With all their posturing about peace, love, and freedom. Everyone knows it was just a cover for slothfulness and drug-addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying there weren’t any absolutely sincere hippies. Look at the late Reverand Jim Jones—or look at his cult’s mass burial site, if that’s easier. The man behind Jonestown gave off the vibe of being screwy and unpredictable, and brother, he lived up to it. Anyone who thought the Reverand was only posing as a nut had to eat his words, then wash them down with a glass of electric Kool-Aid. Make no mistake: Reverand Jim Jones may have been a commune-lording freak, but he was no poseur. If I’m certain of anything, he’s looking down from Planet Telex as we speak, and he is not at all pleased with all the dead-hippie wannabes who don’t have the guts to chug from the cyanide bowl.

So Mr. Kassem, the Reverend Jim Jones would like a word with you, as soon as he’s finished circling Neptune. In the meantime, cease being a hippie poseur! Aw, like you have any incentive to stop now! All you had to do was PRETEND to be suicidal. Now the judge will probably throw out the case against you. Your lawyer will just plead for leniency, and His or Her Honor’ll hold off on the guillotine, because poor you tried to leap off a bridge. Then there’s all the suicide groupies. They’ll be, like, “Awww, you’re so delicate and vulnerable, Mr. Convicted Criminal. Let me make it all better. No, I don’t mind you wrapping your hands around my throat like that.”

Hey, you know what I just realized? I have problems! I need attention! I’m gonna go find me a bridge! While I’m out, if Planet Telex calls, somebody take a message.

OK, I was supposed to comment on those three Arab students who were kicked out of a Miami med school. However, I temporarily died, so I was unable to complete my commentary. Now that I am alive again…

So the three Arab students were sitting in this diner-type establishment. Since the event took place somewhere in central Florida, it was probably a Waffle House. I find that particularly disappointing. The Waffle House, while lacking the variety of a Denny’s or International House of Pancakes, always provides fine ambiance and a good homemade pie. I would hate to accuse their staff of being nosy, but of all the conversations they could have overheard, it HAPPENED to be the one from a table of Middle Easterners. Hmm. Somewhat convenient, no?

According to the Waffle House waitress who did the eavesdropping, one of the Arab students said something along the lines of: “How much would it cost to bring it down?”

The Waffle House waitress conferred with her fellow Waffle House staff (Bet that was a thrill. The rare opportunity to go from drawing straws for who gets to clean the restrooms to playing Joint Chiefs of Staff. Well, in a crisis…) Anyway, the Waffle Housers assumed that the Arabs were planning to “bring down” a building. Like with explosives and stuff. So the Waffle Housers called the cops.

The three Arab med students were eventually cleared of any wrongdoing. According to one of the students, they were discussing the cost of bringing down a car. Of course, whether or not our three misadventurers had been up to no good, they never did get to attend that Miami med school. The name of the med school has gone unrevealed. I think that reflects our country’s current anti-brown people sentiments. Any other time, the focus would be on the injustice performed by the Miami med school. The way this story was filtered out, however, it almost seems like the press favors the unfair treatment of innocent Arabs.

Or it could just be that the Miami med school didn’t want its name revealed. I mean, if I were a med school in Miami, I think I’d be more than a little ashamed of myself.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that the ordeal suffered by these Arab students reflects what always happens during wartime: Good-hearted foreigners, who come to this country to work and get ahead in life, become persecuted because of the actions of a despicable minority. And that minority, of course, are dirty, lazy hippies.

The facts are there. Do you think the rich folks send their kids to attend med schools in Miami? Everyone knows the best med school in Florida is FSU in Gainesville. It’s located right next to Jackson Memorial Hospital, and has been on the cutting edge of cancer and MS research for the past two decades. Meanwhile, what have Miami hospitals been researching—the allergic components in recreational foam?

So if the rich kids are at FSU, who’s attending med schools in Miami, other than foreigners whose admissions status get revoked on a whim? I’ll tell you who: the children of middle-class, Miami-based yuppies. You better believe they’re taking advantage of proximity and residential status. And what did yuppies transmogrify from—from way back during the sixties? Hippies, of course! Everyone knows that’s what they evolved from!

Hypocritical hippies! Sure, four decades ago they were all peace and love. But after hearing about the Waffle House bust, you better believe they were on the phone with the dean of their kids’ school, yappin’ “No way are TERRORISTS attending the same med school as my children! I didn’t drag my cowardly ass back from Canada for THAT!”

So clearly, dirty lazy hippies are directly responsible for innocent Arab med students getting expulsed. I don’t know about you, but it makes me mad. I’m gonna drive down to Florida right now, hop into that same Waffle House, and say out loud, “I wonder how much explosive I’d need to bring it down!” The waitress would probably give me a weird look. I’d catch the look, turn back to her and tell her, “I’m talkin about the Hippie Nation, sister. I’m talkin about bringin down the Hippie Nation.”

Then I would eat some homemade pie.

Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you I’m more of a home video kind of guy. Don’t get me wrong. I think movie theaters are cool. Most first-run flicks deserve the big screen treatment, and personally, I like to sit way down in front, where I can practically count the freckles on an actress’s neck. That’s much tougher to do on a 8” TV screen at home, trust me.

But going to see a movie at the local multiplex brings certain complications that I could do without. I went to see “Gosford Park” earlier in the year, and I had to stand in line for half-an-hour because “Blade 2” was opening. Then, after I bought my ticket and found a seat, I had to endure a seemingly endless parade of movie trailers, most of which I’d already seen a hundred times on television. Actually, I forgot—theaters have started utilizing the interval between movies to show commercials and music videos. There is now such a thing as the “AMC Music Network,” which is both a paradox and a sign of the apocalypse. Now I can’t even duck into a movie theater to avoid mainstream music—it’s in there, too! And naturally, the “Gosford Park” crowd is really interested in hearing LeAnn Rimes rap about her “Mac Daddy.”

Of course, there are perks to going to the movie theater. For example… … …did I mention the freckle-thing already? Sh*t. Hmm.

Well, if you don’t own a DVD player, the movie theater is the only real way to see all the latest flicks in WWIIDDEESSCCRREENN. Not counting the bootleg versions where the shadow of someone’s head occasionally obscures the picture. Oh, and you can sometimes movie-hop. Which is what I did today! Whoo-hoo! I finally saw “Minority Report” and “Road to Perdition.” There weren’t any staffers around to check my stub, because both movies are several months old, and neither of them star Cedric the Entertainer. Bless the man who invented the stupid movie! The only thing the staffers safeguard are the populist crap! My tastes are just off-center enough that I can pass safely underneath theater security’s radar! Yay!

Thursday, July 03, 2003

UM. TECH SUPPORT...?

For some strange reason, the comment links on my blog page no longer work. I didn't do anything to them, I swear! They've apparently gone shitty all by themselves. Much like Hartford, as I understand it.

Help.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

FERNIE MAGRI GOT HITCHED.

Fernando Magri was my best friend in high school. He graduated a year before I did, enrolled in the Air Force, and when last I spoke to him--roughly two years ago--he had just returned from a brief assignment in Saudi Arabia and was stationed north of Miami, the city we had grown up in. It's strange when I think about it; after he graduated from high school, the Air Force sent him to Utah for three years. Meanwhile, I went on to do three years at Swampwater U, before transferring to NYU. But in the intervening years, Fernando had to put up with my near-constant whining, about how I hated Miami, how I had to get the hell out of that tourist trap town before boredom drove me out of my skull. And I had to put up with his insistent, and ridiculously romantic, yearnings for the old pit. It was never as nice a place to grow up in as you thought it was, Magri. And just maybe it was never as bad as I remember it, though I'm pretty sure I remember it right.

But now we're all older. I got an e-card out of the blue from the guy. The first thing he mentioned is that he recently got married--civil ceremony, few guests, 15-minute wait. Nothing makes you feel your age like hearing one of your best friends has gotten hitched. Then Fernando wrote, "By the way, Happy 24th Birthday, bud! Can you believe how old we've both gotten?"

Nothing makes you feel your age like hearing one of your best friends has gotten married--and having him remind you that you're a year older.

Still, it was great to hear from an old friend. Fernando, if you're reading this, words cannot describe how happy I am both for you and your new bride. You did not grow up with the most advantages or opportunities, yet you worked your ass off, carved out a place for yourself, and found someone with whom to share your life and most-deserved acheivements with. No one deserves this happiness more than you. Perhaps I will even tell you this one day. But in the meantime, congratulations.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

HOLY CR*P, IS IT JULY ALREADY?

Well, this Thursday, July 3rd, is my birthday. There will be the obligatory bad movie that opens (Terminator 3 this year), but what else is new? I will officially turn 24, so that makes 24 awful summer movies I've lived through. In past years, I have been dragged by friends to see many of these terrible flicks, which have included, in no chronological order, Wild Wild West (A travesty from the very first frame!), Independence Day (It's Altman meets Martians!), and Armaegeddon (Everything that can go wrong goes terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly wrong!) But that's not gonna happen this year, because I'll be at work! Yay!

Oh yeah, I was gonna announce this birthday party I'm throwing, but then I realized I'm not throwing one. It's better for me, and better for all of you. Who benefits from a birthday party? Certainly not the people who have to attend the birthday party. Because then you have to buy presents, you have to actually make a conscious effort to be thoughtful. And even if I were to say, "No you don't have to buy anything, I'm not demanding presents," what are you gonna do, not buy a gift? You'll show up at someone's birthday party empty-handed?

I always think there's something wrong with showing up at a birthday party without a gift. The way birthday parties work, the only person who doesn't have to give a gift is the person who's birthday you're celebrating--the birthday party "guest." He doesn't have to give a gift. The magic of celebrating a birthday, of being the birthday party "guest," is that you receive gifts, you don't have to give. Now some hotshot shows up without a gift, he is in fact saying, "Although it is not my birthday, I consider myself right up there with the birthday party 'guest.' For I, too, am relieved from having to give." He might as well take a turn blowing out the candles. Take home some of those boxes wrapped up in colorful paper for yourself, pal.

What's in a birthday? It's all really vain, when you think about it. Everyone treats you real good on your birthday. Your birthday is YOUR day. It's all about YOU. Spoil yourself, etc. You get cut slack which you would normally not get cut on your birthday. Just let people know beforehand.

You don't wanna come into work tomorrow? Oh, it's your birthday. Sure, no problem.

You're on your third slice of cake already? WITH ice cream? Oh well, it's your birthday. Go ahead.

Oh my God! You just shot up an orphanage! What? It's your birthday? Well, I guess we can let you go this time.

But birthdays really aren't as perfect as they seem. After all, when you think about it, in a world of, what, 6, 7 billion people, how many thousands, millions, share your birthday with you? I don't know about you, but I don't want to share my birthday with anyone. It's MY birthday. Mine, mine, mine. I was in a McDonalds once where two kids were celebrating birthday parties at the same time. It's like the restaurant was split into two camps. Each camp had a sentry standing guard over its keg of orange fruit punch. It must have been Hell for the Ronald McDonald look-alike that day. Each McDonalds only comes equipped with one, and he can't bring the two birthday brats their chocolate cakes at the same time. But who wants to be number 2? Someone has to come out the loser, but all the same, you gotta believe the chocolate cake tastes better when the white-faced clown brings it to your table first (I believe it was Sartre who coined that phrase.)

Since we share birthdays with so many others, I think we ought to celebrate birthday hours instead. I was gonna suggest birthday minutes, but who can fit a party and a visit to a strip club into a minute? And what about the complimentary birthday lap dance we're always hearing about? If it was "birth-minute" instead, there'd be a lot of dissatisfied strip-club patrons out there (Okay, there probably already are plenty.) "Okay, handsome. My name's Barbie, and here's your complimentary--oh wait, minute's over. Never mind." Jeez, shouldn't you at least have the chance to get stiff before you get stiffed? (BADDA-BING!)

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is that birthdays are meaningless. However, that does not mean you should avoid giving me presents if you feel like it. But shopping for people is unbearably tough, and in my case, my only real passion is behaving dismissively towards everything. So forget presents. If you encounter me in public, just say "Happy Birthday," allow me the chance to shrug and say, "Pfft. Whatever," and I will then thank you for your thoughtful gift. Perhaps, at some later date, I will throw some belated B-day souree at someplace cheap, like McDonalds.

Just remind me to tell that f*cking clown to bring me my cake first this time.